I need to vent before i FLIP!

Im 34 wks pregnant and im in constant pain....i dont sleep well at night at all. My hips, crotch, and bones feel weak and like they could break at any moment. Every time i walk i feel like im an old woman about to have a hip break. My migranes are horrable...i get one almost every day....and im craving ice like its going out of business and when i eat ice...i have horrable indegestion, feels like i drank 5 cans of coke but when really its only a few ice cubes. I feel like shit contantly...and im getting so sick of hearing my mom and mikes shit! My mom ask me almost every damn day if im gonna do my fucking laundry....First of all....i can barley walk as is...i can barley carry the basket down the stairs without being in pain. And everytime i ask mike to carry it down stairs for me...he forgets or puts it off...so i have to be constantly nagged by my mother to do the laundry when all i wanna do is pass out and sleep FOREVER! The constant NAGGING i get from everyone is just too much, and frankly im sick of it! Im sick of everyday having to hear my mom tell me to watch the pan, or do the dishwasher...i dont mind doing it...but i will do it when i feel up to it. I never feel good so the second i open my eyes i dont wanna hear about pots and pans, or laundry, or the dishwasher.

Yesterday i got like maybe 3hrs of sleep...i woke up every hour on the house puking and burping cause of the indegestion. I finally got up and stayed up @ 630am...and was up...i told my mom i would wash the pans...but mind you i was tired and not feeling good...i layed back down @ 945 and slept til about 130pm...when i woke up i drove to the store and got bread for lunch. Then got back and made lunches for me, and benjamin. By the time i finished all this mike was just coming home...and then i spent time with him....so needless to say i didnt do the dishwasher...plus last night i got the migrane from HELL that i had litterly from like 5pm til i went to sleep at 2am. So i was in no mood to do any type of choirs. So today when i wake up...the first thing i hear is...you have the pans...YES I KNOW THIS...stop reminding me...then she says ARE YOU DOING YOUR LAUNDRY TODAY...JESUS...would everyone lay off....if you dont want to wait for me to get to it..DO IT YOURSELF...So as soon as i get up...i hurt myself gathing the laundry...and then started my laundry...then i made lunch for me and benjamin...then got benjamin settled in the bedroom with his shows...then sat down to relax and catch my breath...my mom comes upstairs..and says WELL I GUESS YOUR NOT DOING THE PANS TIL AFTER YOUR DR APT....fucking shit...im so sick of everyone and everyones shit. I feel like no one seems to care im pregnant and in constant pain...i mean i got mike telling me to do laundry cuase his clothes smell like B.O. Hey guess what mike...you have 2 arms and 2 fucking legs...you can start the laundry if you want...it wont fucking kill you i promise! Between my mother and husband sometimes i think i would be less stressed and less pissed off if i were a single mother living on the streets....they are supost to be helping me in this time..and all they do is stress me out...piss me off and just plain out get on my nerves! I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM....And if i have to hear one more comment about LAUNDRY, PANS, OR DISHWASHERS....im seriously gonna go LIZZY BOARDEN ON EVERYONE!

putting the peices back together and glueing it

So ive come to the descions that im going to work on mending my relationship with michael. i mean how can i just through out 5 yrs over a walk that may or may not have happened. Right now i know i love my husband and i know he loves me and we have a family. Not just a relationship is invested in this. We have 2 kids together and a 5 yr relationship. Im not about to toss that out cause of a walk and talk. As hurt as i am i know i can move on from this, i know our relationship is stronger then this, and it will take time to get back to normal but everyday it gets easier

Heartbroken doesnt even discribe it

im so utterly heartbroken...im hurt, im sad, im stressed, and worried. Tonight my asshole of a husband told me he was going out with his cousin..i asked him who all would be going...he said just his cousin and a friend of his cousins...the reason i ask this is because his cousins roomate is dating mikes ex girlfriend...so she's normally always there...but he asured me she would not be there so i let him go....well Alex and Keri stopped by to keep me company. Once they left at 3am i called mike to tell him goodnight..no answer...i call again still no answer...i get a call back from his phone and who is it on the other line? Mikes cousins roomate. Im like wheres mike? he tells me he went outside and he goes looking for him...after asking some questions of whos he outside with who all is there? He tells me he's outside ALONE with his ex girlfriend..and now he cant seem to find either of them...he tells me that basically mike wanted "closure" to there relationship so they went outside alone...then he tells me that was over 3 hrs ago. So he starts to call his girlfriends cell phone...wow what a suprize she left her cell phone in the house 2. So now i have my lieing cheating husband who told me he wouldnt be around her...with her ALONE no one can find them and they both left there cells phones so they could talk about "there old relationship" IM FUCKING DONE...im so hurt...i told him how i felt about this situation, he knew i didnt want him going out in the first place and now he's alone with his ex. At this point im so pissed if he even calls me back im telling him im divorcing him for this stunt...i dont trust him...i dont trust her...and now they are alone together, and no one can seem to find them.

For 1 they shouldnt even be talking about a former relationship, since theres ended nearly 5 yrs ago. and he's been with me ever since...plus we have a family together..we are married we have a kid together and another on the way. Im so hurt that he would do this to our family, to me, to our children...i guess he doesnt give a damn about us after all. Im so steamed im about to tell him to fuck himself...and that im fileing for divorce...i dont need this and i know what i want..ive known what i want...and if he still needs "closeure" oviously it isnt our family. I just wanna cry...thats what im doing but i just, im so tired...its now 4am and still no answer...its now been 4 hrs and he's still not answering the phone...the roommate went to bed so now its just me being hurt, heartbroken and alone. I just can not believe he would put us through this...i cant believe he would do this kinda shit to me again.

When will this Tension end?

Im so sick of the Tension in my parents house...its seriously depressing me...in a time i should be overjoyed and excited about the soon arrive of my daughter, and being back home with family and friends it has me more wishing i was back in Montana away from my mom away from the constant drama and the constant money hungry tension of this house and family. I mean i know times are tough but i just have to ask myself when will it end? When can i wake up, be excited to sit in the living room with my mother and child, and just RELAX. I mean and i feel like im living in a house...paying "rent" but getting literally NOTHING out of it...i mean when you live in a house your renting, or an apartment...when they say your rent is XX amount of money...you get the freedom to do what you want...the freedom to go to sleep when you please, the freedom to awake when you want. You get to set your own temp in your house, and if you wanna walk around naked then so be it...We are paying my parents 100 bucks a week..YES a week and granted that is cheapter then renting an apartment...its truely not worth it...For 1...we are paying 100 bucks and you would think that includes everything...but no..now my parents want to try to include utilities...i mean mike takes a 5 min shower twice a day...and i shower every 2 days for about 15 mins...ben takes a bath every other night. And my father claims the bill has gone up 19 bucks since we moved in...well i thought that 100 bucks would cover that...but aparrently i was mistaken, so now they want to charge us an extra 25 bucks a week just for showering privilages...which the 19 bucks is MONTHLY not weekly...so instead of charging us oh say 5 bucks a week...they want 25 bucks...so we would actually be paying 100 bucks a month...for use of the shower that has only gone up 19 bucks a month..make sence...didnt thing so...So what does this 100 bucks include? It doesnt include the freedom thats for sure...im told when to wake up, i seldom get to sleep in and wake up when i feel like it. It doesnt include getting to be comfortable in my own home...my parents have the heat set at 80 for winter...and has the air set at 80 in the summer...thats IF the air is even on during the summer...so most days its actually HOTTER in the house then it is outside...if its 90 degrees outside its actually 95 inside...So im NEVER truely comfortable...i wear shorts in the winter...cause they set the heat so damn high...and im sweating in a tank top and booty shorts in the summer. So maybe the 100 bucks includes having my mom do my laundry? NOPE guess again...i do that on my own...i wash mine, my husbands, and my childs clothes. So ontop of the 100 bucks AWEEK i also have daily choirs like vaccuming, emptying the dishwasher, refilling, washing pans, and cleaning up after supper. But do you think that would be enough...of course not...now my mom wants mike to start emptying the cat box...the 1 choir i literally cant do...and thats the 1 choir she actually has to do...she is trying to pawn of on mike...well of course mikes not having it. Im starting to not be able to sleep...all i can think about is getting the hell out of my parents house. I cant stand being here...i spend most of my time when my mom or dad is upstairs in my room avoiding them intirely...and i try to get out of the house as often as possible. So far me and mike have NO money saved...cause after bills, and paying my parents, and putting gas in the car we get about 50 bucks each with mainly goes to food for ourselves since my dad only shops for food daily rather then monthly or weekly...i mean theres hardly enough food to feed ourselves so...now im on wic which of course goes towards what my parents want. I just honestly feel like im being sufficated in this house...its killing my relationship with my mother, and they say they want us to get on our feet but how can we if we are paying them 400+ a month and we only get 2000 total a month and thats if the month is a good productive month...if its a bad month or even a bad week we lose out on a good 300+. Then ontop of that...we have other bills that equal about 450 a month...gas is about 150 a month, mins for the cell is about 100 a month plus we have to buy food so thats a good 400 a month...i mean the numbers just keep piling up...i cant wait til tax time..cause as soon as we file...we are looking for a place to live...and moving the hell out! Im hoping writing this will help clear my brain and let me fall asleep!

Im like an open book...you should just put down the fucking pages

Im so annoyed...im an open book, i dont hide myself for anyone...and im not about to change for anyone..but dont question me about what im open about when you like to hide behind a mask, and lie to your so called loved ones. If im happy and missing my husband im gonna scream it from the roof top...but also if im pissed at him im also gonna scream it from the rooftop. I just think people cause drama becuase they are simply bored with there own lives. I have NEVER cheated on mike, i have no intentions of cheating on Mike. So dont fucking try to judge me for voiceing my anger at him or anyone else. I dont go around fucking people behind my spouses back...i dont lie or spend all my time away from my family in video games...so dont even try to put me down for simply voiceing my opinions about what pisses me off and what doesnt. Im happy your happy now...but dont try to rain on my life cause your life is too plain jane for you.


ok now that my rant is out of the way...ill explain for those who dont know wtf is going on...

Me and mike have a friend we'll call him Dexter...well Dexter has been in our life for a good 5 yrs since we got married. Well dexter was married...but he decided he was unhappy so he buried himself in video games, and drinking, and ignoreing his family. But that was his business and no one elses...So we as good friends stood by as friends. Well then we found out that Dexter was starting to see someone behind his wifes back..again his business not ours..so i never told his wife...for 1 we werent that close to begin with 2 again it was none of my business...Well after he told his wife they were divorceing she left him and he brought in his new Mrs. Dexter...i met the girl..sweet girl...he seemed happy and i was happy for him and her...So i thought everything was going great...they got married...now living together and everything is great...but now all of a sudden he starts on me constintly for my spelling, and then he starts to see on my FB my status...1 minute im super happy with mike..and like i said i scream it from the roof top...but then when i get upset i post how im feeling...ingeneral how im feeling and this SOB decides thats he wants to get on me saying how he would NEVER talk shit about his wife like i do about mike...BUT the thing is..i never actually said i was pissed at mike...i said i was upset cause i was sick and not feeling good and really just wanted a break and that i hated men...But he decieded he was gonna try to tell me how shitty i am for voicing my god damn opinions on my fucking FB...i dont judge people...If all ive done is voiced how upset i am to my friends on FB and this SOB is fucking around on his first wife..to me he has NO room to talk shit. NONE! So i have offically deleted him from my page and his wife...cause he's starting drama just to start drama...idk if its just that his perfect snowglobe life is just too pleasentville for him? or what but im so done dealing with people and there fucking judgements...so if i post something about how im feeling at that moment and you try to judge me...i will snip you quicker then vassectamy...im DONE!

When is enough gonna be good Enough?

Im getting so fucking sick and tired of living in my parents house. My mom is pushing me so far away its not even funny. Today i go to find sometime to eat for lunch and low and behold theres nothing to eat..LIKE ALWAYS...so i just said well theres nothing to eat. And she goes well i have 20 bucks so ill go get bread and some lunch meat...i told her no since i know she really doesnt have the funds to do that. But then she wants to start to fucking bitch about how she wants to have sit down AGAIN with mike, me, dad, and her about shit. And i asked her what is the damn problem now? She tells me that basically she is sick of doing the cat box...I HELP WITH EVERYTHING around this house...she doesnt work so she does house work as well...and the 1 fucking choir she HAS to do is the cat box...it pisses me off....she's saying how mike needs to help out more..NO HE DOESNT...i stay home i dont do anything except take care of my son and do house hold choirs...thats what she should see it as...my dad works so she has the choir of doing the house hold choirs. I just dont understand, when will enough be good enough for her? I NEED TO MOVE OUT AND QUICK BEFORE OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART!

past coming back to Haunt me...

Oh man im writing this in hopes that i can go to bed without worrying about having nightmares retaining to tonights situation. So any whos...Tonight was a total disaster. Im one of those people that if i get annoyed it takes ALOT to get me in a better mood. Well Let me start from the begining...and i mean WAY IN THE BEGINING. I was dating this guy Mike S. in High school. He was def my first love, the one who took my virginity all that fun mumbo jumbo. I mean it took me about a good 2 1/2 years to get over this guy..we dated for a little over a year. Well in this year that we dated i interduced him to lots of my friends like a normal couple does. Well one girl in proticular i interduced to him, she was a good friend...i considered her close enough to interduce to by BF outside of school you know. Well after me and Mike S. broke up, he wanted to get back at me for dating someone else...so who does he start to date..none other then the friend who i interduced him to. We will call her Nancy. Anywhos, so she got him into drugs real bad..and on top of that it hurt me worse since i was still friends with her...and she didnt have the balls to tell me she was fucking my ex...i mean come on...girl code anyone. So needless to say when i did find out...i was of course heartbroken by this...back stabbed by a friend and my first love. So our friendship ended...well now that its been about 8yrs since all that drama...ive tryed making emends with her...i have her on my FB, i talk to her...well she's good friends with my bestie...so since i go by a higher code of ill do anything for my family and friends, ill hold my tonge if i have to you know? Well tonight was my besties birthday bash. So Mike my husband of 5 yrs goes with us...and so does my bestie, her hubs and NANCY. So no biggy...the night starts out fun, chatting, they are drinking im taking pictures. Just a fun time. Well i start to notice that Every time NANCY wanted a drink she would ask my husband to go up with her...at first it wasnt a big deal...but as she got drunker and he got drunker i started noticeing it was bugging me you know?? So then mikes totally trashed and i had barley seen him all night cause every time he would sit down to have a drink he would go right back up to the bar with her to get another drink...so i was getting pissed and i told him to stay sitting cause i was getting cold and i wanted to cuddle...Well NANCY offered me her jacket...and so did my bestie...i kept telling them i was fun just long as mike stayed sitting next to me to block the wind. Well so mike thought it would be funny to put on my besties jacket..mind you its a plaid ladies jacket...so i kept saying babe take it off you look gay, it looks silly...well in comes NANCY telling me to chill out and it was funny she decided she's gonna button MY husband up in this girly shirt...so in the back of my mind im replying all the times i hung out with her and my EX, and how i interduced them like i was doing tonight..and so i was getting pissed and kept saying TAKE OFF THE DAMN SHIRT....AND STOP. Well mike relized i was getting LIVID...and so he took it off and wanted to know what was wrong...once NANCY went to the bathroom again i told him about my past and what she had done before..and mike kept saying he was sorry and he only loves me and how beautiful i am...So i tryed to finish enjoying myself...well the rest of the night NANCY kept spilling drinks on me...being drunk idk if it was on purpose or was a drunkin oops but i got this impression it was on purpose..she spilled her drink on me 5 times. I was so pissed and then she kept wanting me to dance with her and i kept saying NO im not dancing im feel closerphobic and i was already pissed and once im pissed i dont wanna talk to the person im pissed at. Well Then me and the bestie went to the bathroom and when i got back mike told me she kept hitting on him when i was gone and that he sent her in the bar to get her away from him. So of course im even more mad now...And my bestie kept trying to tell me thats just how she is and she wont try anything but i mean come on...i already know she would...she's already done it once, grant it that was 8 yrs ago but still...once a hoe always a hoe. She kept trying to get him to dance with her..THANK god he was trashed and could barley stand up so he didnt of course...but then when we went to leave she kept trying to hold his hand on the way out and he kept pushing her away saying no im fine to walk. I dont know if its my anxiety and Paranoia making me think this way, or if thats how it really was. And then in the car...we are all driving home in the van and she's sitting in the front of the van, with me and mikes in the back of the van ALONE and she goes and climbs back there to smoke..well then never comes back to were she was sitting...i felt like she was trying to just get closer to my husband...i kept thinking she's probley trying to touch his dick right now while he's drunk..so i kept checking back there..thank god she didnt atleast not that i could see..but I just know tonight ill be having nightmares about them doing stuff, and just random nightmares like that. Im just so annoyed and pissed and hurt that she would do that AGAIN...you would think she would change a little after having a kid and all..but i guess some girls just dont change at all. I really hope my past isnt coming back to haunt me!

PET PEEVES

Since being back ive totally started noticing some of my pet peeves, I dont even know if these are actually pet peeves or just shit that gets on my nerves...so here they are...

1. Bad mouthing my man....So im married Mike which gives me every right to bad mouth him if i feel like it..but i do not like ppl who bad mouth him...it pisses me off...friend or family. DONT BAD MOUTH MY HUSBAND...If i come to you and say..OMG mikes and asshole he did this and that...dont start being like yea he is a douch bag, he's an ass hole...i just want someone to listen and someone to agree with me..but not by calling him names. IM THE ONLY BITCH THAT CAN DO THAT!

2. Shower time is MY TIME...OMG..nothing pisses me off more..then when i go into the shower..i announce to everyone im getting in the shower and then start getting undressed...giving ppl enough time to say OH I HAVE TO PEE...Cause when i go into the shower...i like the heat to build up so its nice and toasty in the shower and the bathroom...it pisses me off sooo bad when i go into the shower im all nice and toasty and comfy and then someone comes in and is like OH I HAVE TO PEE...BITCH YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE BEFORE I GOT IN THE SHOWER....You had all day to get in before i took 15 mins out of the day to shower...if you cant go pee before that 15 mins time that i take for myself...you should be smacked!

3. DONT TOUCH MY LIGHTING....OMG in our living room we have a dim system lighting...and it pisses me off more then anything..when im sitting in the living room by myself..and my mom comes upstairs to take her meds and get ready for bed...she dims the damn light in the room im sitting in! OMG I WANNA SCREAM...your not sitting in here...your just in here to take your meds...LEAVE THE DAMN LIGHTS ALONE...i like it being EXTREMELY bright at night in the room im sitting in...Talk about annoying!

4. ITS MY DIET...I DONT TELL YOU WHAT TO EAT..DONT TELL ME...I get so pissed when im making my food..no matter what it is..i have someone saying OH YOU SHOULDNT EAT THAT MUCH SALT, YOU SHOULDNT HAVE THAT MUCH SUGAR. Heres how i see it...its my body..my body is a temple so if i wanna fill my temple with soda, salt, and sugar then so be it...i dont tell people what they should and shouldnt eat so dont do it to me!

Thats all i have right now...im sure ill add more as they come to me..im just annoyed with living at my parents house so i guess this is me just venting....

Does Ben have Cooties or something?

So im so pissed off right now at my MIL (mother in law). Ever since Ben was born she's been a total horder on spending time with him. At first it was a pain cause he was only a day old when it started....but then over the next 3 1/2 hrs i warmed up to her taking him..and then last summer when i was home for about 7 months we had an arrangement that she took ben every tue and thur from about 6-9pm and she got him every other weekend all weekend. She never once cancelled on us, and ben loved it. I loved it too it gave me some free time to myself. While she would watch him she took him to cheerleading events like compations and practices and he loved it. She took him swimming at her sisters. So to my suprise she's been acting very distant since we have come back. The first weekend we were home she took benjamin the whole weekend which was again great. The following weekend she took him for only 1 day over night...well since then she keeps telling us she too busy to take him and she already has plans. She saw him about 2 wks ago when she called and asked if she could take him on a wednesday from about 2-8 which was fine for me...but since then she hasnt asked to take him or anything. So we asked her for the 3rd weekend now to take him (she hasnt taken him in 3 wks) and she said she would take him on saturday but ONLY for the day not over night...I mean what is going on...does ben all of a sudden have cooties or something? This of course being a protective momma bear pisses me off cause im the one who hears him asking if he can go over mom-mom J's and then she basically has no time for him. She even told us when we asked her for this weekend she said she would have to check her schedule...BEN NEEDS AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE HIS GRANDMOTHER? WTF! I mean come on...i just dont see how over the past 3yrs she's been a total horder on him and now she doesnt seem to want anything to do with him...frankly if she keeps this up, i wont let he have ANY time with Haylee cause i refuse to have to try to horde her way in on Haylee but treat ben like he's not important. I just dont know what to do..i dont wanna talk to her about it cause i just dont want the drama....but maybe thats what it needs to come to?

So this is what it feels like?

I feel a sence of accomplishment. Im 23 years old, and from birth to the age of 18 i was always under my parents control...they made sure i had heath insurence, they choose who my dr is, and where i go for any type of apt. Then when i married Mike, the military told me what to do, where to go, and what insurence to have. I just recieved my atherazion for my health insurence  that i got on my own. Without my husbands help, or my parents doing it for me. I filled out the paper work and sent it in and now im insured for my health...i guess this is what it feels like to be a grown up lol

Everyday its something new....

So its been a few weeks since i posted a blog...my anxiety level being in my parents house is through the roof...it seems like everyday theres something new for my mom to bitch about, and frankly i dont know how much more i can take. Im trying to keep the peace but between, my mom, dad, and husband its a bit hard. Mike has his own way of doing shit, my mom has her own way of doing shit, and my dad has his own way of doing it. And then theres me, the peace maker...and in the end im the one getting the most heat. Sometimes i wish i could just walk out the door go somewhere and just hide for a week. If its not something mike has done to piss my mom off, its something bens done...if its not something either of them have done its something ive done...but in the end i have to hear about it and get upset cause its my mom bitching about my husband or son, or me. I wish i had the money to just move into my own place and excape the drama. Every morning when i open my eyes i wonder what my mom will find to bitch about today and how will it effect me by having to listen to it.

Its so fustrating that my parents are making us pay 100 bucks a week to stay here...they want us out in a year...and on top of that we have other bills to pay, plus trying to save money. I dont know how we will do it. Its been almost a month and right now we have 70 bucks in the bank..and after thursday it will be less then that. And it seems like even though we are paying 100 bucks a week we are also having to pay for shit that shouldnt really be added in...like cat food...had to go buy cat food. Mike gives me 50 bucks a week to last for the week thats supost to be for me, and me alone...but i always have to spend my money on shit for the house, like bread, catfood, and more then likely this week will also be detergent. Even though my parents are getting 100 bucks a week its more like 100+ a week. Everytime i turn around my mom is asking for me to pick up more shit...and i really dont have the money cause im down to my last 20 and its only monday...and most of my money has gone to feeding me and benjamin, or for shit for the house. If its like this id rather live in my own place where atleast i can determain the temp. in the house, i can choose to clean up on my terms, and i can enjoy watching my shows without anyones bitching or moaning....sometimes i want to escape.

This past weekend was the worst weekend so far here...my mom basically shot our relationship to hell. She came home drunk off her ass...which normally i dont mind..but this time was differant. She came home drunk...kept being loud and obnosious. She turned the light out on ben 3 times and made him scream and cry bloody murder (hes scared of the dark) So that pissed me off...then she got pissed cause i had rented 3 movies last weekend as in a week ago...and me and mike watched them when ben was with his other grandmother. We told my parents about them...they had ALL week to watch them...and my mom decided she wanted to watch them when i had told her earlier in the day that i had to take them back that night, that they were already late. So she started screaming that we should have told them we had movies...which we did...and when i was calming down ben in his room after he was so scared cause of my mother. She was telling my dad how she didnt understand how we had time to watch 3 movies when we have a 3yr old...and then she added in that "then again i always payed attention to my kids" So i basically over heard her telling my dad she thinks we are shitty parents...so i came out and confronted her and she acted like she did nothing wrong and that she was telling the truth. I got so upset i started to cry so i grabbed ben and took him out for a car ride cause i didnt want him around her being that drunk...and when we returned she was passed out in the living room. I had to lay down with ben in his bed til he actually fell asleep cause he was so scared she would turn out the light on him again. Since then...the tension in my house is so thick you would need a chainsaw to cut it. She hasnt appologied for what she did..or said...and i havent talked to her about it. All i know is im deeply hurt, and sadened by what she did and said...she said before we moved here she didnt want us to wind up hating each other...but she's pushing me away. At this point i dont know if our relationship can be repaired at this moment...i dont think she cares to repair it. Mike was pissed once i told him what had unfolded while he was asleep...so he took me and ben out the next day. I dont plan on asking my mom to watch ben for me anymore for any reason, now that i know how shitty of a parent she thinks i am...i just feel like i lost a best friend. It hurts to hear someone your so close to think so badly of you. I dont know what i did to upset her so. I mean since we have been back ive done everything she's asked...i do my own laundry, i pick up after myself, husband, and child. I do whatever she ask when she ask, like vacumming, doing the dishwasher, washing the pans, ext. But it seems like nothing seems to be enough...it truely feels like she is purposely pushing me away, and so far its worked. How do you vent to someone you always vent to when the venting is about them?

CAN YOU NOT SEE IM FUCKING PREGNANT?

im so sick of my family right now! All day everyday its money this..money that...bills this...bills that...we have been in MD for literally a week and half..thats it, and my moms hounding us for money...mikes bitching about money and it all seems to fall on me. My mom wants me to get a job, yet she's perfectly capable of getting a damn job herself..and no one seems to notice the fact im fucking pregnant. NO PLACE will fucking hire me..im fucking 6 1/2 months pregnant. I cant stand on my feet for long, and im tired all the damn time. I mean seriously..and then on top of it my mom would charge us 25 bucks extra a week to watch ben...i mean wtf is the point of me getting a job when 1...in 3 months they'd have to put me on leave anyways for about 2-3 months...IM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT...im sitting here alone in my room crying because my mom is pissed cause all she wants to do is talk about how she doesnt get unemployeement anymore..and mike wants to bitch that we have no money..how do you think i feel...i have no car during the day, no money, and everyone wants to bitch to me about how mike has to give my mom money when we get paid when we wont really have much damn money any damn way. It pisses me off...im so sick of talking about money...im trying to take it easy and be as stress free as i can but how can i, if everyone in this house wants to bitch about bills...its like oh make the pregnant bitch try to get a job...i love my mom and all..but i mean seriously she's fine to work....she could get hired...but she's afraid of what her house would look like if she did...so that leaves it to me..to attemp to get a job while im already 6 1/2 months pregnant and totally showing...i cant believe we've only been here a fucking week and half and i already wanna move out...it shouldnt be like this...they should be happy we are home..and happy we are safe in stead they wanna bitch and complain and make the pregnant girl cry and be stressed out...dont worry ill just fucking miscarry so i can get a fucking job for you...are you serious...im so pissed and upset right now.

RULES of the Road

Sorry its taken so long to update everyone on our road trip. So heres a bit of the DL on all the do's, dont's and WTF's lol

So we started the first day off horrable. We got up at 6am cause mikes sgt told us to be there normal time...well his ass decided to go to pt first so we had to come back after 830. So we had to go and do our house inspection. Which sucked...we didnt get the proper time to clean it and whatnot. So we were charged 2 grand to have our house cleaned to standards. Its 1000 for new carpet, they dont clean it...they replace it. Which sucks! Then the cleaning ppl they hire is 900, and then there was a few other charges like for the lawn being cut, and 50 bucks to sanatise the house? does that shit make sence to you? i thought cleaning it was sanatising it but oviously not! Well so then we go back to mikes shop around 9..and his sgt is like oh theres something going on right now so come back in an hour...so we run an errand and come back around 10. And i was livid cause the sgt wanted us to leave for an hour so he could take a SHIT...are you serious! WTF! So finally around 1030 we finally headed to the final out. We were finally done and off the base at about 11:15 ish. so we went and got lunch and finally started our drive home at 12 noon! Talk about a late start...sucked butt hard core! So we drove and it was pretty miserable. Ive learned 3 important things when driving cross country. 1- NEVER DRIVE WITH A TODDLER..2- NEVER DRIVE WHILE PREGNANT..3- NEVER DRIVE WITH 2 CATS. Not fun... The first day we stopped driving around 11pm we were so sleepy we stopped and slept in a motel 6.

Day 2 started at around 9am. We started driving around 10am...didnt go bad...until i decided to be nice to baby kitty and he decided to repay me by popping on me! What a turd....literally! Then the rest of the time mikes making fun of me cause everyone knows i have a reading disablity, and im a bit dislexic so im trying to read the map and im reading it the way they are spelled...well i guess i just suck at reading these damn citys! We stopped driving around 2am and we stopped in WI literally about 2 miles from the IL line! Lame!

Day 3..we started driving around 10am. And we finally made it home at 6am the following day. What a long ass drive man. Mike did all the driving...and of course Haylee enjoyed sleeping most the way in my ribs which hurt like a bitch!  Well ill finish this up a little later...but man what a long trip! Im glad to be home!

"They're coming to get you Barbra, they're coming"

I love horror movies. I love everything about them. I love the villian, i love the Hero-wen, i love how horror movies makes you think...."Maybe that noise i heard in the back yard wasnt just a cat...maybe it was the boogie man". I love every second of horror movies. My FAVORITE part is when the frightened woman because your hero-wen. I love it. I love the sense of empowerment it makes you as a woman feel. I mean...just imagine that real life moment.

Your being chased by a psycho killer, he's killed your boyfriend and best friend and up til now you've just run, and cryed, and fell down and watched as he took everything from you. Then the turn happens. YOU WONT BE THE VICTIM AN MORE. IF YOUR GONNA DIE, YOU WILL DIE FIGHTING. What a powerful moment.

Imagine getting to meet someone whose inspired your love for whatever...thats how i feel right now. I get to attend 2010's horrorfind weekend. The laundry list of iconic celebritys is astondishing. The person im most excited to meet is George A Romera. He is the godfather of zombie flicks. What i love most about his movies. Is he puts real life issues into his zombie movies. As funny as that sounds he does. In 1968, when raceism was still in america. George A Romera came out with a film called Night of the living dead. He did the unthinkable at that time. He casted his leading man, an african american. And instead of casting a leading white man...he wanted to go with the societys contraversys. That choose to cast a black man as the leading role during the civil rights movement was incredible. And that little movie started a huge epidemic of zombie Fanatics including myself. How scary is it to actually think that a zombie outbreak could happen. Giggle if you want. But honestly...there are scientist all over the world coming up with bio chemical weapons, cures for deases, est. Whos to say what they arent trying to make for our own good could mix with our blood and cause the dead to walk. All it takes is an air born chemical to enter the blood stream. Scary thought...but thats what horror movies are ment to do...take you to a place you couldnt even imagine..and it reminds you of todays horrors...that really do live and breath...and maybe its a knife carrying mask wearing pshycho like Michael Myers. But there are people out there that have no souls, that have no empathy, no remorse and that kill for just the pure pleasure of it.

Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, John Wayne Gacy, Ed Gein. These are real life serial killers. They are real and they are very much out there. Horror movies remind us to check our backseats, they remind us to be suspicious, they remind us to be afraid of a dark ally. Incase your not up on your serial killers, let me explain how scary these real life villians are.
Ted Bundy- he was a rapist and serial killer. He was charming, charismatic, a good looking guy. But he was evil...pure evil.
Charles Manson- He was a master mind. He has a band of followers who did his dirty work. He ordered the deal of a pregant woman..just to try to start a racist war
John Wayne Gacy- He was a child molester. He killed little boys after he raped them...and his real life career...he was an ice cream clown. Talk about scary...a fat man dressed like a clown killing little boys...what a fucked up world huh?
Ed Gein- total momma's boy. When his mother died...he dressed in her clothes, and start to rob graves. He then killed 2 woman and gutted there bodies like a deer during hunting season. When they arrested him...tehy found skulls made into ceral bowls.

REAL LIFE VILLIANS DO EXIST. And i for one know this...cause of my love for horror. I still check my backseat at night before i drive. I lock my doors, and im afraid of the dark. This is me. I remember watching horror movies with my older sister. I loved how it made me feel, the pure terror i felt from watching these movies. Even today when i watch horror movies it makes me feel...it just makes me feel right with my self LOL. I guess im a freak lol. But man i love horror movies. My favorites would def be Zombie flicks, and cheesy slasher films. I love horror movies that take place or happen when your most vonerable. I love movies taking places at summer camps, or while baby sitting. Places or activitys where if a psycho killer comes its gonna freaking suck! Right now im watching Night of the living dead...and i couldnt feel more at ease. Well this is just another little peice that makes up my personal puzzle.

Attempt #2

Dear Friends and Family,
      I recently wrote a blog asking everyone to quit asking me about our current military status. Quit talking about it. But since i guess my last blog didnt come across the way i wanted it to. Here is my second attempt. Let me set the stage for you...so hopefully reading this will make you understand why im being so bitch right now. Im 6 months pregnant..and EXTREMELY stressed out. I have crazy neighbors. Im raising a 3 year old which is stressful in its self, and we are being seperated from the military. My stress level is through the roof. EVERYDAY my thoughts are consumed with military crap. "When will we get our offical date" "When can i get the movers out here to move my stuff" "When can i start cleaning" "When will they give mike off work to help" This is my EVERY second of EVERY day thoughts. From the moment i wake to the moment i fall asleep this is what im thinking about. So let me break it down for you. We do not have a date yet. We cant get the movers out here til we get a date. We cant clean the house (deep clean) til the movers get our stuff out of here. We cant have our final inspection until we deep clean the house. So right now...i know sometime in the next week or so we will have 3 days..YES 3 days to get the movers out here, deep clean the house, and have our final inspection. BUT again the 3 days dont start til we get the date. So right now...all i can do is plan and plan and plan...and wait and wait and wait. So when i try to sleep at night not only am i trying to get comfortable to fall asleep but then i have to worry about having trouble turning off my brain. So the half an hour im on the computer on FB or on blogger I DO NOT WANNA THINK ABOUT MILITARY CRAP ingeneral. I dont wanna be asked a million questions that i dont have answers to, or that ive already repeated 1000 times. I dont wanna read about other peoples seperation stories cause all thats gonna do is make me think about my own situation. The half an hour im on FB or blogger i wanna talk about my pregnancy, i wanna play on frointeerville, i wanna window shop on ebay and walmart.com. Its my little bit of time i can get myself distracted to not think about whats going on with the damn military. I appricate everyones advise and there storyies. But im just so sick of thinking about, talking about, and dealing with it. UNLESS i come to you, write you, call you, whatever and ask about your situation i just dont care. Not to be insensitive. But like i said...hearing about your stories makes me think about my own military problems. And the time i get to be distracted from it...i dont wanna have to think about it. I wanna think about how my pregnancy is progressing, i wanna know what my friends are doing, i wanna shop for baby clothes online, I wanna play on FB. ANYTHING that doesnt have to do with the military. So please no one take offense to this...because like i said...i really do appricate all the support and all the hopeful thoughts and stories but i just really dont wanna talk about it any more. I dont wanna think about when im online. It is already consuming my life already...it doesnt have to when im blogging, or when im Facebooking. So now that i have hopefully set the record straight...please no replys...no messages....no IMs about the military. NONE. If you wanna message me lets talk about the weather, babies, tv shows. ANYTHING but military crap, seperating stories, Military advise. NO MILITARY! Thank you :)

Fall...Fall inlove....Still in shock....and annoying people

Tonight it just felt like heaven to me. I LOVE the fall season. I love the fall smells of the air, i love the leaf changes, i love the wind, and the chilled air. Tonight it just had that feel. It was 59 degrees with a little wind. Its been raining for the past week so its been pretty glummy. But man did just the outside feel put me in a pretty good mood. I can not wait til the summer is over and the fall begins...where we are wearing pants everyday and light jackets. And the leaves are blowing around all pretty with there browns and yellows and oranges. I just cant wait for September to get here to really kick off the fall season!

So Thursday was my last dr apt. And man what a good apt it was. I went in and they said Haylees heartbeat is about 148 which is great. And since i thought since i got my ultrasound @ 17weeks that i wouldnt get another one. But to my suprize they didnt get all the measurements they needed from the ultrasound so i got my 20wk ultrasound. I was pretty excited! Everything looked good. She's 10 oz. and im still in shock cause i keep thinking...man when are they gonna tell me "guess what we screwed up its a boy LOL" But when they went to check the sex...there it was in black in white...here little 3 lined hamberger. I was so excited. It was finally comfirmed by a professional. So im totally stoked! But baby girl is doing great. They got all her measurments this time, and we got a clear picture of her sex. She's on the tiny side measuring a week small. But thats ok cause ben was big so i want her tiny if i can lol. But it still seems sur real to me that im having a baby girl..and that im gonna have another baby period. I cant believe tomarrow i will be at my half way mark. Ill be 20wks and no more ER visits i go stright to L&D.  Im so excited and cant wait for Haylee to get here!

Man do people annoy the shit out of me. Idk if its the hormones from the pregnancy, or if its just that im so stressed i dont like stupid people, or if in general i dont like stupid people, But man im so sick of dealing with people. And latley if you do something that annoys me it seems like everything else after that just seems to annoy me even more. Im so sick of telling people over and over and over the same shit. Its like...read it SLOWLY and then reply. Cause idk if what im saying is coming off in a forean langage or what. and i know people are just concerned for us and want to offer help but im so sick of having to think about it and talk about it. I already have to deal with the retarded military i dont wanna talk about this too. So to make it easy for people...READ THIS SLOWLY...and dont reply about this section....

1. WE ARE GETTING A GENERAL DISCHARGE

2. WE ARE GETTING IT BECAUSE a. MIKE GOT A DUI b. THEY ARE KICKING PEOPLE OUT AND AT THIS POINT ANYONE THAT GETS AN ARTICAL 15 IS OUT..NO IF ANDS OR BUTS!

3. WE ARE NOT GETTING HEALTHCARE BENEFITS, YES IM OK WITH THAT, NO I DONT NEED ADVISE WHAT TO DO, I KNOW WHAT IM DOING ABOUT IT BUT THANK YOU

4. NO WE DONT KNOW OUR DATE YET, YES IM STRESSED, NO I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!

5. YES IM HAPPY ABOUT IT.

now that ive clearfyed please people i know your concerned but please wait til i say we got the date to mention it. Thanks

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome

Its 7:11am, im awake, i just took my husband to work, and im feel a bit chitty chatty. I hate this part of the morning. I hate it because im not a morning person. And no im not just saying that. I really am! And i dont choose to be this way. From being a teen i remember knowing i was differant when it came to sleeping. I had trouble getting tired at night. And usually stayed up past my bed time. Then in the morning it was extremely hard to get up and function through the day. I remember alot of high school i slept in my classrooms. Sounds like a normal teenager? Not so much. I even skiped a butt load of school in middle school due to this problem. I would stay up late. And when it came time to wake, id get in the shower..do everything you do when getting ready for school but the second my parents walked out the door i would crawl back into bed. I got indoor suspension for the amounth of time i missed. I even forged notes from my parents during this time. I thought i was being a normal kid. Well now im 23, and it has progressovly gotten worse. I went to the dr and they gave me the most common diagnois out there. Insomnia! I was on sleeping meds. But again im not normal. Ived tryed so many. First before i got diagnosed i tryed Tylonal pm...night quill...sleep aids...and they were all the same. Helped for about 3 days..then nothing. Id take it and boom id still be awake. The dr. gave me Lunesta...and again the same thing. It did work for about a week but now when id take it (cant cause im preggy) but when i did..it just stopped working. Id take it and then not only could i not eat or drink but i was stuck til 3am or later. WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I was constantly asking myself this question. Why cant i go to bed at a normal hour for a long period of time and wake up in the morning, in the early morning. In stead i get to go to bed sometime after 2am and wake sometimes at noon or later in the day. Then it happened. One night on one of my sleepless everyday time, i was watching True Life on MTV. And that show has helped me put a name to the face of my sleeping problems. A young girl had trouble falling asleep and waking up. She had whats called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Everything about this girls story and everyday life and the same as mine. Cant fall asleep before a certain time, sleeps all day, and if woken before her sceduled wake up time she was basically a zombie all day long. I couldnt believe it. Someone that is exactly like me, so i decided to do some searching. And heres what i found

"Delayed sleep-phase syndrome (DSPS), also known as delayed sleep-phase disorder (DSPD) or delayed sleep-phase type (DSPT), is a circadian rhythm sleep disorder, a chronic disorder of the timing of sleep, peak period of alertness, the core body temperature rhythm, hormonal and other daily rhythms, relative to societal requirements. People with DSPS generally fall asleep some hours after midnight and have difficulty waking up in the morning.[1]

Often, people with the disorder report that they cannot sleep until early morning, but fall asleep at about the same time every "night". Unless they have another sleep disorder such as sleep apnea in addition to DSPS, patients can sleep well and have a normal need for sleep. Therefore, they find it very difficult to wake up in time for a typical school or work day. If, however, they are allowed to follow their own schedules, e.g. sleeping from 4 a.m. to noon, they sleep soundly, awaken spontaneously, and do not experience excessive daytime sleepiness.
The syndrome usually develops in early childhood or adolescence.[2] An adolescent version disappears in adolescence or early adulthood; otherwise DSPS is a lifelong condition. Depending on the severity, it can be to a greater or lesser degree treatable. Prevalence among adults, equally distributed among women and men, is approximately 0.15%, or 3 in 2,000"

Now that i know what is wrong with me i can begin to fix it. But let me dumb it down for you. Basically My normal sleeping clock is missing a few nuts and bolts. So instead of being like most of the population. I have trouble fall asleep before 2am. Thats my set time as im learning. And then when left alone to sleep fully without interuptions. I sleep peacefully until about 1-2pm. See most "normal" people gernerally go to bed sometime around 9pm and wake around 6-7am. And then get a burst of energy a few hours after wakeing. With me mines just all screwed up. Its the same scedule just set at differant times. I get a burt of energy around 4-5pm rather then 9-10am. Now how to fix this...hmm well from what im learning from research basically you have to manually reset your own time clock. Sounds easy but for someone like me its anything but. I have to everynight go to bed earlier and earlier and the theroy is you will awake earlier and earlier...but now that i have kids i find this hard to do. Speaking of kids im sure you wondering what about ben? Wheres ben in all this. He's showing signs of this disorder as well. So he's usually asleep with me when im asleep and usually awake when im awake. Sad to say but its true. Ive tryed to fix his clock but its harder in a toddler. So every night when you see me online...and wonder what the hell is she doing up. And then ontop of it why am i never up during the day, now you know.
 
But now im faced with a bigger problem. I havent had a really good nights sleep in a long time. My husband recently got a DUI about 2 months ago. Since then he hasnt been allowed to drive on base...so guess who gets to be his personal driver. ME...oh fucking joy to the god damn world. Now that you know that if my sleep is inturoped i sleep horrable..how do you think its been for the past 2 months have to be going to anywhere between 2am-4am and then being woken up at 630am. I dont sleep very well. This is why half the time ive been staying up til about 7am takin him to work...and then going to bed and having a pretty peaceful sleep until i have to pick him up again at 330. Which fucking sucks. So needless to say i havent gotten much good sleep in 2 month. I hope writing this helps answer some questions...maybe im not the only one out of my friends with this problem. But hey 3 out of 2,000....im not guessing it but i dont know if ill actually meet someone out there in person like me.

My husband might get beat

I kinda wanna beat my husband. IDK if its the hormones or what but he's just pressing my buttons...and its driving me NUTS! So...here's the deal-eo. We have 2 TVs in our house. WE agreed to have 1 in the living room, and 1 in the bedroom. For the reason of...if someones on the main TV (living room) then the other ppl can go watch what they want in the bedroom. And vise versa...so this A-Hole...will hog the damn Main tv..not that i care..im on the computer anyways...but then ill told him today @ 3pm that i was so tired and that i wanted to take a nap. He was like no we gotta do this..we gotta do that...so i wait for him to start so we can get what we need done done...so he finally gets a fire under his ass around 530pm. After playing baseball, and cod and watching tv and blah blah blah. So the whole time im waiting i keep saying im freaking tired..im gonna go take a nap. No i dont cause he keeps saying we are gonna start getting stuff done around the house. So finally its like 10pm...after we get stuff done...i cant wait to go to bed. So we go to the bedroom and he turns on the TV. WTF...i cant sleep with the tv on...not only does he watch 1 hour long episode of some show...then he puts on a 2 hr damn movie...are you kidding me...i manage to fall asleep but its one of those...you know your sleeping but you also know your awake you know? Just not a good night sleep. So when the movie ends im like turn off the damn tv...and he has the damn nerve to be like "fine i guess ill just sit here and and be awake" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME... Everytime i go and wanna just watch tv in the bedroom and he's tired...he tells me he cant sleep with the tv on..so me being a good wife..i just go down stairs and watch tv in the living room...thats the RESPECTFUL thing to do you know? But god forbit i cant sleep with the TV on and he throws a damn 3 yr old tantrum about it. I really just wanna hit him with a frying pan. I love him but damn he can be the most selfish person i know. I just dont think it should be taht big of a damn deal to have to watch tv in bed especially if the other person is tired and ask nicely to turn the tv off. I mean it wouldnt have killed him to come down stairs and watched tv in the living room or just gone to bed right then and there. but no he likes to be a royal ass. Just makes me wanna beat him!

The Anxiety of Civilian life...

As the end of our military days come to a close...I'm having more and more anxiety attacks thinking about our life outside the military...all the relationship problems me and mike have endured during our civilian life makes me fearful of whats to come. Already mikes been invited to party's back home...don't get me wrong...its not that partying I'm worried about...drinking is fine and dandy...but before the military had us in its grips mike was a stoner...before i met him of course...but even still he did smoke very seldom when we got together and then had to quit once he left for boot camp..I'm so fearful he's going to go back to that old habit and that's just something i didn't stand for then and i def wont stand for now, especially with kids...and i love my husband but he's one that thinks that if he can get away with a lie..he's damn sure gonna try to. Another thing..I'm all for separate friends...but its so different from military life. In the military i know that every other military member that mike is friends with wont be smoking pot any where near him..or near themselves. That would get you jail time plus kicked out of the military. So having him say "hey baby I'm going to GI Joe's house for a few beers" that doesn't scare me...but i mean i like SOME of his friends...BUT alot of them just aren't where we are in life. Not saying everyone has to be where we are...but it def helps to have friends who can understand. A great example is Keri <3 shes got kids and she's a wife...she knows what it is like to be able to go to the bar and beat temptation. She understands what its like to have boundaries that are just oh we will break up..NO, WE WILL DIVORCE. YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING..YOUR KIDS, YOUR MARRIAGE, EVERYTHING. NONE of mikes friends even have kids, or are married..and like i said...its not that they have to be..but with military friends...i know that at least pot isn't an issues EVER. With civilian friends...theres not only the fear of them putting temptation in front of him...like girls, or places he knows he isn't allowed to go like strip clubs. But now its the Pot factor. I want to trust him...but lets be honest with ourselves...when you've got a few beers in you and a few friends egging you on...it can get hard to say no. I'm fortunate enough to have friends that when i drink around them...they don't egg me on to do shit that could jeopardize my relationship or family. But i just don't think mikes friends will have that same aspect on life...i mean they don't understand that we have kids, and i don't want my children ANYWHERE near drugs. Plus i mean...like i said not only is it my husband but alot of guys seem to think that if they can get away with a lie..they will try. That includes friends. Believe me...i know that theres a GUY CODE just like us ladies have that GIRLS CODE. And in that i would think alot of the rules are the same...if your girl tells you DON'T TELL you more then likely wont...We take things to our graves...so my guess is...so do the guys. Mike keeps trying to tell me he wont do it..but i mean most of his friends are known pot smokers..and wont care if you aren't doing it..and don't wanna be around it...they will simply think...then don't come...But of course mike thinks its not a big deal to be around it as long as he's not doing it...but how do i know that? He's gonna come home smelling like pot, and I'm sure gonna have a "contact  buzz" but how do i know if he actually took a hit or not. Simply put...i want nothing to do with the stuff. I don't wanna smell it...i don't want it to smelt by my kids, and i def don't want it on my husbands clothes? But how can i tell him...don't hang out with your friends when ALL his friends do it? That's not fair of me...that's like him saying don't hang out with any of my friends who go to bars...well all my friends do go to bars. I just don't know what to do to solve this issue...i just hope we can keep the trust we've built over the years as strong..but for some reason i just know something is gonna happen to make that trust deteriorate.

Another thing is...ill be the first to admit it. I'M A JEALOUS WIFE. If i had it my way...mike wouldn't be friends with ANY females. Unless i personally know them, like them, and trust them. So naturally I'm fearful to go back to the state that he has spend the majority of the time cheating. His ex lives here in Maryland...and she's one of those " i don't think its so bad to basically straddle another guy, cause we are just friends" Well it is...and i just know mike isn't the kind of guy to be rude...he wouldn't stand up to her..for 1. She's his first love....2. She took his virginity...and 3. In his morbid mind...its OK to be BEST friends with your first love and the girl who took his virginity. Me not so much. Don't get me wrong...I'm friends with my exes...but i def wouldn't call us best friends..nor would i straddle them ever...especially in front of there wives, or girlfriends. I mean i know that if we were just walking in the mall, or down the street and she happen to pass us...he would have to stop and of course...be himself...which unfortunately when it comes to females...especially ones he's been intimate with..he's a flirt..If it were me...id keep walking and pretend to have not even have seen the bitch. But hey...like i said I'm a jealous wife..and i def don't wanna watch her skank ass straddle my husband and think that's model behavior. I'm so stressed cause i know the second he talks to her...I'm gonna get pissed...he knows how i feel about her. He knows i don't trust her..or him together. But he still just cant seem to let go. Trust me if i posted a blog about all the shit he's done towards me regarding her...you'd understand. but for the sake that Haylee is killing my ribs...i wont go into that much of detail. Either way...i don't wanna to go back to psycho Alishia...that would blow up my husbands phone if he didn't answer in fear that he's cheating or doing something he's no supposed to. I don't want to cause that, i want to live in Maryland and be happy. But i just know...sooner or later... its bound to happen. I just pray I'm not pregnant when it does so i can knock her out the second she goes to leap for him.

SVU...or my own life?

I love it when I'm watching a show...and something about it makes me think about my own life...i was watching Law and Order SVU...and a guy (robin Williams) was charged with impersonating a police officer and telling a man to molest a teenager...he was found not guilty even though he was guilty as sin. But his whole point of it was that people don't ever question authority. It also came out that years earlier..his wife died during child birth and so did his unborn son...he told the Dr she needed a c-section..and the Dr ignored his wishes and continued on..she then bled to death from the umbilical cord and also resulting in the death of the child. He was doing all this stuff to show that you shouldn't be a sheep as he said..and just follow the heard you should question and stand up for whats right...It really made me think about all the abuse we've gone through with our neighbors..and how I'm putting my faith in the cops and the military to take care of this matter...when deep down i know its not going to get resolved...my putting blind trust into an organization that (sorry for saying) really doesn't seem to give a damn too much about the military members families or well beings. I'm all for the military don't get me wrong...but when it comes to the rights and welfare of the service members family we basically don't exist. A good example is...we aren't allowed to get in trouble...if we do it reflects negatively on the service member...Another good example is how you tell the military how stressed your family is over something they don't hurry up to try to fix the issues..they basically just say "oh fucking well get the hell over it". If we weren't getting out of the military i would want to try to start something...a bill...or idk what you would call it. But just something that states that's our military isn't only the service members...its the families as well. And it pisses me off that the military always says that "oh our military is the serves members and families" yet you don't treat us like we are an important part. I get it...we are not the ones deploying, we aren't the ones risking our lives, but we are the ones who hold down the home front when the military member is gone. WE are mommy and Daddy a good portion of the time. We deal with life when they aren't able to be there. We stand by and support our troops and our military, yet we don't get any RESPECT in return. I'm so sick of having to bottle up my feelings and hope my husband has time in his busy work schedule to see the first shirt...it should be allowed that the wives should be allowed to address issues with the commander, or the shirts when our husbands can not. And it doesn't cause a lashing on our husbands for it. Its frustrating to have everything that's going on...and feel totally helpless...i feel so let down by the military for what my neighbors have put us through, i really wish i could just go to the commander and express my feelings..and show him/her the affects its caused. But like I've stated before...we are the silent ranks...we are the ones who get no recognition, we are the ones who get no respect....hopefully something chances...if not for me...for the future Mrs. GI Joe.

Sick of the shit

You know i love my friends...i love them to death but I'm so freaking annoyed with some people it makes me sick! For one i think its ridiculous that ppl like to call me very seldom and when they do, they are so self absorbed..i mean i can be at times...but at least when I'm on the phone with ppl i give them a chance to vent or talk also. It pisses me off beyond belief when ppl will call me..and go on about people i don't even know, talk about there lives and there dramas...but the very second i mention talking about how I'm doing..about how my pregnancy is going, or how I'm stressed out all i ever get is "oh i have to go...ill call ya back", "oh i have a beep ill call ya back" and its not that i need there full attention its that they NEVER call me back...i wont hear from them for a week or longer....Its like they only called to bitch about there lives and that's it...START A FUCKING BLOG FOR THAT...I'm all for listening to my friends problems...that's not that problem but god damn...if your gonna dish it you better have the time to sit there and take it too! Your not the only fucking one with issues and problems...and half the shit these people talk to me about are stupid shit....like how they cooked dinner...or how they had drama at work or with a friend (whom i don't even know) And like i keep saying...i know people have jobs...i know people go to school, i know people have lives outside of being my friend and that's fine and dandy...but i mean come on...when you call instead of taking an hour to tell me about your petty problems then get off the phone the second i mention my problems..how about not calling me unless you have enough damn time to talk..both ways. Don't call me if you know your husband is coming home from work and you'll get off the phone when he gets home...don't call me if your expecting a call from someone. Wait until you have time...cause its beyond rude to sit there vent, bitch, and complain and then run and hide when its your turn to play the listener!

And then another thing...after all that shit...after all the crap I've gone through having to listen to certain ppls drama and shit and what not...don't tell me i have fit in time to call you and make sure i remember you...I'm going threw so much shit, these damn people are least on my freaking mind...with the pregnancy, packing, cleaning, psycho neighbors, not having an exact date, and worrying about money...your def not whats on my mind...and probley wont be...but you wouldn't know that since you never give me the fucking chance to vent to you! Just saying....

Oh to my Fist

When i think about your Fake-ness

and i think about the scars

I think about the pain id like inflict on your hearts

When i think about the trouble

You have put in front of me

I think about how pretty

My fist could make you be

When i think about being a victim

Of your careless attitude

I think about the danger

I want to inflict on you

But then i think about

How better off ill be

To hold my head up high

And know you never got to me!

A poem..written by Alishia M Jamesson

Dedicated to my Neighbors from Hell

Neighbors from HELL

I'M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF MY PSYCHO NEIGHBORS. So we just had a our pre inspection for our house...it started around 1pm, he left at 140...so after he leaves I'm on the phone with mom to tell her how it went..and I'm looking out my front window..and what do i notice, a cop car driving down my road..Ben's sitting with me and he's like mommy its the cops...so I'm talking to my mom, i see the cops turn around, and i think man it must be that the cars on the road were parked where they weren't allowed to...so I'm watching the cops get out of there car...and start to walk to my freaking door...are you serious...so i let me mom go and answer the door..of course they say they have a noise complaint..ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...ITS FUCKING 2PM...ITS NOT EVEN DARK WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT...So the one cop who was here last time they stopped by i believe about 2wks ago. They didn't even come in the house cause they knew it was my psycho neighbors..and so of course they tell me they have to respond its there jobs but I'm so fucking sick of dealing with these damn people...its 2 in the afternoon give me a break! The cops had said that they are on night shift..which to me is a total lie..since 1 they only have 1 car...and the car was gone..so one of them had to be at work..and since i don't sleep at night...i know there car is always there at night...so i mean come on...but I'm so pissed and so angry i feel like a total victim..i feel like no one in the military gives a damn..they call the cops and i get talked to yet Ive complained to everyone...first shirts, housing office, the cops...and they get nothing...not even a talking to. I wish i had enough balls to just start banging and screaming and blaring music..but i hate confirmations...Now not only do i have to clean my house, keep my son safe, worry about my pregnancy but now i get to try to be completely quite 24/7 until we leave...i wish i could just walk over there punch her in the face...and have no reparations..but we all know it never works out that way.

Id like a side of Cock with that please.....

So i go into my kitchen, i grab a glass and get some ice..and pure my soda into the cup. I get a piece of cheese and then get Ben his cereal. I go into my living room and serve Ben his food and juice...and for some strange reason my freezer makes the ice taste like onions. So i had to go wash my hands. Well the window in my kitchen is right above my sink. So I'm washing my hands and i notice my neighbors kitchen like is on...(which is odd..it was like 10pm) so i continue washing my hands...i realize that my neighbor is in the kitchen..at the sink. I'm thinking oh i wonder if he does the dishes before bed...maybe he's getting his kids something to drink. I then notice something kinda of interesting...he's got both his hands on the sink like its holding himself up...that's when i see it. My neighbors wife's head is slowly bobbing just at cock level....omg am i really watching my neighbors get a little kinky in the kitchen...Yup sure am...my neighbor is totally getting head in his kitchen wit the blinds open and the kitchen light on...talk about getting a room....This of course made me feel a bit pervy...cause i couldn't help but look and watch a little...about 20 Min's after catching this crazy act...they finished and everything went back to normal as far as i could see..but man talk about a night time snack....

Pee on the seat, pooping problems...and cant you just tell me what to do???

One thing i hate...i HATE is living in a house with 2 males. Every time i have to go to the bathroom i always manage to have to wipe pee off the damn toilet seat...do you know how annoying that it....not only does my son do it...but so does my damn husband. I cant count the number of times Ive woken up in the middle of the damn night with that lovely nightly urge to pee...i rush into the bathroom barley able to see whats in front of me...i sit down to feel a nasty wet spot on my ass....Its like dude...learn to aim..and its not like its all over the seat its just a pee drop but its still there. and its fucking gross! Another thing that's just as bad as pee on the seat...is having a 3 yr old who likes to talk your ear off...not so much that he talks..that he feels the best time to have a conversation with you is when you going number 2...yes i said it..ill be the first to admit it...i do poop like normal ppl..I will sneak away into the bathroom to have a nice pooping experience lol ill start to read my book and in will come Ben...in all his glory...knowing he has caught me at a moment where i cant run away...i have to just sit and listen...he always starts out the same way..."mom...your my best friend...you are just my best best friend"....and he will go on to say stuff like "your my best friend so i think you should get me something to eat cause I'm so hungry." and all i can do is sit there and think...man what a horrible time for a lecture about how hungry my child is. I always get that flash back of my mom telling me story's about how when she would go to the bathroom she would see my little fingers underneath the door just begging to come in. Some times i wanna just scream and tell Ben to vanish..at least while I'm trying to give birth through my butt...

On a non bathroom note...i never realized how the past 23 yrs of my life has been so controlled...all my life time i got married at age 19 my parents told me who my Dr would be. then when i got married the military told me who my Dr would be and where i would go for child birth...now that we are getting out I'm faced with making these descions by myself...i mean it doesn't sound hard but coming from being in Montana where we have literally 1 hospital...to Maryland that has like 30+ hospitals...now i have to figure out where i want to deliver..who i want to be my Dr..and with practically no help...i mean my moms there for me...but i man I'm so use to having the military or my parents tell me exactly what to do...I'm kinda lost...my life has been pretty controlled til now...I just wish someone would tell me where to go and what to do....man....I'm still just trying to figure this crap out!

Montana Drama Momma's

Man I'm so sick of all the drama in this damn town its crazy! So the girl i mentioned before..i think i called her Lynn well now that shit has hit the fan idc about keeping her identity a secert. So here names Ashley...so anyways...after the whole baby shower ordeal..you know the whole baby shower mess when i went to the ER for bleeding and couldn't attend her baby shower and such..i wrote her saying i was sorry i wouldn't be able to make it, and that i hope she has a good time and so on. Well she never wrote me back..no biggy..whatever...so that was a week ago so last night i was like wow i haven't seen Ashley on and usually she's on all the time...so i go ahead and try to find her...she deleted me...talk about stupid movies...so here's what i wrote to her...and what she wrote me back...

Alishia Jamesson July 30 at 6:54pm well just wanted to say i think its funny how you want to try to be friends but the second something happens and i cant make it to your baby shower you delete me....i don't care but just wanted to say its pretty hypocritical of you. .



Ashley's response- July 30 at 7:19pm okay i didn't delete u cause u didn't come to my baby shower! Cause if that was the cause i would have deleted Amanda McCormick ... I deleted you cause for #1 . I will be gone for a month and when i get back you wont be here that much longer


#2 we don't really hang out that much anyways






It wasn't anything u did i i decided to do it myself .


Alishia Jamesson July 31 at 2:53pm well if that were true you would have also deleted Sam...so whatever...i just think its pretty funny how to bitch to EVERYONE about how you don't have any friends...maybe its because you do stupid shit like this. But i will be blocking you from contacting me cause i don't think your worth my time or efforts. Plus i don't wanna deal with anymore of your BS
 
You know i don't care that she deleted...i don't care that she doesn't want to be friends...what pisses me off more is that she totally lied to my face. I mean Sam...is leaving in like 5days to go back to Florida FOREVER...yet they are still friends...you see what i mean? It just really pisses me off. If you don't wanna be friends just be honest...be like well you know your leaving and i really didn't wanna be friends with you anyways...it will of course suck but at least it wouldn't be a bull face lie. This is why i hate girls here in Montana...i mean god damn...I've been able to stay friends with my girls in Maryland even being here for the past 4 1/2 years...i mean come on. I think its silly how she tells everyone how she needs more friends and its so hard to keep friends...well hello if you keep deleting ppl and lieing to there face who the fuck would wanna be friends with you? I just hate ppl like that...its one thing to grow apart after not living near each other...but its another to completely cut ties for such a ridiculous reason as oh well you wont be here....so I'm still online everyday. I still keep my friendships strong with my online friends like holly, Sara and Nikki. I also keep my friendships with friends in other states like Keri, Chrissy, and Kayla. I mean come on. Get real. Its a true pity to see people who are like 26yrs old and still act like they are 15. I mean i know she said its not because i didn't go to her shower...but i mean she never wrote me back...she hadn't talked to me and less then a week later I'm deleted from her FB...yea but its for other reasons right?
 
Well that's my rant and rave for today...just be honest with me...that's all i ask...that's all i can do to you in return.

If it acts like a duck and quacks like a duck....

So we got our ultrasound on Monday 7/26/2010. The UT (ultrasound tech) couldn't confirm the sex with 100% certainty. But she did say she didn't see anything dangling and she checked every angle possible...and i too saw nothing dangling. But even with not seeing anything i still had that little bit of ..what if...But the UT did say she thinks its a girl. and with all the problems i believed i was having a girl. Well today i went and bought Intelligender. Its supposed to be able to tell you the gender of your unborn baby as early as 10weeks...well i wasn't going to buy it...but after me going what if...what if...i broke down and bought that sucker for 30 bucks...yes 30 damn dollars...so i open up the package..and the container holding the chemicals is sealed i couldn't open it...on the top of the lid is this itty bitty hole...so i peed in the cup they provided and used the serenge and pured my pee pee into the container...and mixed it up...i patiently waited...and it sure enough turned bright YELLOW..which means GIRL!!!!

So now that i finally feel 110% confirmed I'm so excited! i feel like i can start shopping and buying for my baby girl Haylee! I want to scream at the top of my lungs and jump up and down...so i thought on top of my UT and the intelligender i thought id go threw my old wives tales that also helped me confirm this is indeed a little girl!

1. Carrying High, Carrying Low- With Benjamin OMG i carried him so low...in fact until i got pregnant with haylee i didn't understand the difference between high and low..lol. But now that Ive compared pictures...OMG I'm carrying Haylee so damn high its crazy....here's a little look into what i mean...

Me pregnant with Ben @ 17 weeks

Me pregnant with Haylee @ 17wks

2. Heartbeats- They say with a boy the heartbeat is below 140 and for a girl its above 140. Haylees heart beat has been 158, and 148...so according to that she was a girl lol

3. Cravings- They say if you crave sour food its boy and sweets its a girl. With Ben i don't remember craving anything. But with haylee...i would wake up in the middle of the nigh craving kit Kat bars...to the point i would drive to the store just to get a kit Kat bar...it was crazy....i even ate an entire bag of chocolate chips cause i was craving sweets so bad lol.

4. Face round and full- With Ben i really didn't put on any weight in my face...but with Haylee i think my face looks chubby....

5. acne- they say if you have clear skin its a boy and bad acne its a girl...not to toot my own horn but BEEP BEEP. Cause the most pimples Ive had at a time were like maybe 2 on my chin....or in my hair line...well with Ben i had literally NO pimples...and with haylee OMG I'm broke out all the time...Ive got bumps all over my for head...is a total pain in the ass.

so with all this evidence i knew i was having a girl..and another one that Ive noticed... for some reason your mom can seem to tell from the moment you tell her your pregnant...with Ben as soon as i said i was pregnant she said boy...and with haylee as soon as i said I'm pregnant she said girl..

But I'm so damn excited! I cant wait for my baby shower and to just shop for miss haylee!

"People see you how you want them to see you, But you cant fool your friends"

A picture is worth a thousand words, I have been lucky in my life. I have met some incredible people, People who see me for what i really am. They see the true blond nerd that i am. And what i love most...not that they see it..but that they accept it. They don't try to change me, they don't try to down myself. They help me embarrass my nerdiness. I love each and everyone of my Friends for different reasons, i love them all for who they are but its really magical when you can meet someone and just know that you will be friends forever...and not just that oh Best friends forever mumbo jumbo. But the true meaning of forever. I know that they will always be there for me. They've been here for me through my ex's...Mike and victor...they were there for happiness and my sadness. I don't feel judged when I'm with them..and i know i can be myself in front of them...I want them to know how special they are to me, and how i really appreciate there kindness, there friendship and just them for being there selves.

In no proticular order....

Chrissy,

We have known each other since high school and though we never had classes together, and we never really hung out with the same crowd we somehow formed this friendship. You are such an amazing woman, and friend. I remember how i called you when everything happened with mike and you were by my side there for me. You have showed me that it doesn't matter how long you hang out with someone that when its meant to be nothing can keep you from being friends. I love you, i love your family, I even love (making fun of) your creepy old ppl that sits in your moms window lol. One of my favorite memory's of us is when you tricked me into having that damn kettle corn popcorn...(which by the way i will be expecting as my welcome home present) Then when you came back over with the regular stuff i made you go back home and get the kettle corn LOL. Talk about a practical joke gone bad LOL. I know that no matter how long we go without talking, or how long its been since we see each other i know you will always be my friend. And i cant wait to have you be apart of my children's lives. and i hope someday ill be a big part of our children's lives as well...But no matter how much time passes...you will still always be...Triple X boobies LOL...you didn't really think you could be mentioned in a blog and not get that thrown in there did you?

Keri,

Oh Keri...my former cult member lol, my ellicott city buddy, my silly little blond LOL. I don't think i can think of one flaw you have in my eyes. I love all of our silly blond moments and i love how pure you are. Your very laid back and sometimes that's just what i need. You have been here for me and have always looked past the bull crap and the drama and have just been you. You've never made crazy decisions due to drama. And being around you is a breath of fresh air...no drama is always nice. My favorite memory of is...even though there are so so many, i think would be the many times we did Bernie nights. All the fun dancing..all the making fun of people..good times good times...I cant wait to get back into the settle and start doing our Bernie nights again. I love our true blood nights and now we can even start having pretty little liar nights. You will always be a great friend to me, i really missed you, and i cant wait to see you soon!

Kayla,

Even though our friendship really started out in the most messed up of ways, you've been here for me for the past 2 years. You are my little dose of Jerry lol. But i always know you have my back. And for that i love you. My favorite memory of us would def hands down be the night we stayed up all night to watch Harper's island. That was one of the best nights. We've been through some crazy times, and some pretty wild times. But i know your one that i can count on.

I love the quote from pretty little liars...i think it really captures how i feel about my girls. it says

"People see you how you want them to see you, but you cant fool your friends"

this is 100% true. I know that no matter how many fake smiles i could put on, my girls know when I'm truly happy and when something is really wrong. I just know that i wouldn't trade my girls for the world!

Moodswings, tampon removal, and shut the hell up already!

Man they say men don't have mood swings but i beg the differ, My husbands been driving me up a god damn wall. For the past week and a half all he does when he's home is bitch, and man its getting so annoying. Today, he got home...i was watching Dad camp minding my own. and i simply relayed a message, His Sgt called and said to have him call when he got home. So that's what i told him. He called and he told him he had to be in dress blues to see the first shirt tomarrow probley about our date and what not. But man then he started bitching about how his uniform had to be cleaned..so he said ill take it to a 1 hour dry cleaning...so when he called them and got off the phone i told him, that we were on "E" and that we needed gas so we couldn't leave...not being mean just letting him know. Well he goes off tell me to stop talking to him and that he's annoyed cause apparently me informing him of info is me bitching at him? how that works i have no damn idea. So i of course tell him to pull the tampon out and change it cause he's got bad PMS or something. and that kind of shit has been going on for the past week and half. Its driving me crazy. He bitches about EVERYTHING, he'll come home and ill be watching TV and he will wine that he wants to plan video games...well excuse me...you got home late today and i wasn't watching anything when you were supposed to be home...but since you are an hour late getting home i decided to turn on an hour long show. Get over it. Man i don't know how much longer i can be hormonal and have to deal with his PMS. I love him but sometimes i wanna take him outback and beat him with a stick. I think he's got a case of my hormones, like how some guys gain weight during there wives pregnancies well he's gotten the hormones part of it. And its annoying. AHHHHH i think i should go and get him a pad or something...idk...give him some midol...

Chapter 1, of my so called new life

Its been 9 days since we found out we are being separated from the military. I feel so anxious and nervous and excited and afraid. Along with the new chapter of our life starting I'm starting to get annoyed with people, people here in Montana just aren't people in Maryland. They get so butt hurt here its silly really. I'm so sick of people taking silly things personally when really its nothing to get upset about. For example this one girl, Ill call her Gia...she keeps messaging me on FB and i always leave my FB up no matter if I'm actually on the computer or not. And she got so upset that i wasn't even on the computer and she messaged me and i didn't reply. I even tried to appology and she just wasn't having it...i mean come on people. And another girl. Ill call her Lynn she kept driving me crazy about going to her baby shower...and the day of her shower..i woke up bleeding...and since I'm 17wks pregnant this scared the hell out of me. So i was taken to the ER and they put me on bed rest for the remainder of the weekend...i let the girl know i was sorry i couldn't make it to her shower but she never wrote me back and has not said one word to me since..that was 4 days ago...Its just silly. I think people here expect far to much out of others. I mean things come up, people get sick...but oh well...not like i plan on continuing a relationship with them once i leave this quicksand base. I am blessed that i met one person. Her name i wont keep secret cause i think she deserves come reconnection. Hers names Amanda, and i honestly think she's a god sent. In the past year she's really been here for me when others were not. I really hope we can continue our friendship after i leave. She's someone I've grown rather fond of in the last year. Made this place not as bad. I will miss her dearly when I'm gone.

On other moving notes, i have so many things going threw my head i dont know where to start. I wanna plan my own baby shower at home, i wanna find a house to buy, i wanna plan the drive home, i wanna plan what we will do when we first get home. I wanna plan all the wonderful Maryland things we will do in the next coming months. Like Renfest, and the zoo, oh the possibility's. I cant wait to just be home, be able to call my friends and go driving around elliott city, or just drive around Pasadena spying lol. I keep thinking...somethings gonna happen and this is all just a dream to get to move back to Maryland...i really hope to get our final date soon for heading home..maybe it will be more real then. I think even when we get to MD it wont seem real...might take some time to really feel 110% for real.

On other news, yesterday...at around 6 i found out I'm having a baby girl, who to think it. A little girl, a little Haylee. Ben's gonna have a little sister...i keep thinking..man watch the tech have screwed up and haylee is really a mason...god i hope not. Ive wanted a little girl for so long, and it just seems like a dream come true. I get to not only raise my little boy and little girl. But i get to do it in the state i adore. I cant believe all the problems with this pregnancy is all caused by sugar and spice...and everything nice. But man let me tell you...being pregnant with a girl is way worse then carrying a boy...at least in my opinion lol. Well i better sign off...its 215 am here and it seems to be another uncomfortable, sleepless night for me.