CAN YOU NOT SEE IM FUCKING PREGNANT?

im so sick of my family right now! All day everyday its money this..money that...bills this...bills that...we have been in MD for literally a week and half..thats it, and my moms hounding us for money...mikes bitching about money and it all seems to fall on me. My mom wants me to get a job, yet she's perfectly capable of getting a damn job herself..and no one seems to notice the fact im fucking pregnant. NO PLACE will fucking hire me..im fucking 6 1/2 months pregnant. I cant stand on my feet for long, and im tired all the damn time. I mean seriously..and then on top of it my mom would charge us 25 bucks extra a week to watch ben...i mean wtf is the point of me getting a job when 1...in 3 months they'd have to put me on leave anyways for about 2-3 months...IM SO SICK OF THIS SHIT...im sitting here alone in my room crying because my mom is pissed cause all she wants to do is talk about how she doesnt get unemployeement anymore..and mike wants to bitch that we have no money..how do you think i feel...i have no car during the day, no money, and everyone wants to bitch to me about how mike has to give my mom money when we get paid when we wont really have much damn money any damn way. It pisses me off...im so sick of talking about money...im trying to take it easy and be as stress free as i can but how can i, if everyone in this house wants to bitch about bills...its like oh make the pregnant bitch try to get a job...i love my mom and all..but i mean seriously she's fine to work....she could get hired...but she's afraid of what her house would look like if she did...so that leaves it to me..to attemp to get a job while im already 6 1/2 months pregnant and totally showing...i cant believe we've only been here a fucking week and half and i already wanna move out...it shouldnt be like this...they should be happy we are home..and happy we are safe in stead they wanna bitch and complain and make the pregnant girl cry and be stressed out...dont worry ill just fucking miscarry so i can get a fucking job for you...are you serious...im so pissed and upset right now.

RULES of the Road

Sorry its taken so long to update everyone on our road trip. So heres a bit of the DL on all the do's, dont's and WTF's lol

So we started the first day off horrable. We got up at 6am cause mikes sgt told us to be there normal time...well his ass decided to go to pt first so we had to come back after 830. So we had to go and do our house inspection. Which sucked...we didnt get the proper time to clean it and whatnot. So we were charged 2 grand to have our house cleaned to standards. Its 1000 for new carpet, they dont clean it...they replace it. Which sucks! Then the cleaning ppl they hire is 900, and then there was a few other charges like for the lawn being cut, and 50 bucks to sanatise the house? does that shit make sence to you? i thought cleaning it was sanatising it but oviously not! Well so then we go back to mikes shop around 9..and his sgt is like oh theres something going on right now so come back in an hour...so we run an errand and come back around 10. And i was livid cause the sgt wanted us to leave for an hour so he could take a SHIT...are you serious! WTF! So finally around 1030 we finally headed to the final out. We were finally done and off the base at about 11:15 ish. so we went and got lunch and finally started our drive home at 12 noon! Talk about a late start...sucked butt hard core! So we drove and it was pretty miserable. Ive learned 3 important things when driving cross country. 1- NEVER DRIVE WITH A TODDLER..2- NEVER DRIVE WHILE PREGNANT..3- NEVER DRIVE WITH 2 CATS. Not fun... The first day we stopped driving around 11pm we were so sleepy we stopped and slept in a motel 6.

Day 2 started at around 9am. We started driving around 10am...didnt go bad...until i decided to be nice to baby kitty and he decided to repay me by popping on me! What a turd....literally! Then the rest of the time mikes making fun of me cause everyone knows i have a reading disablity, and im a bit dislexic so im trying to read the map and im reading it the way they are spelled...well i guess i just suck at reading these damn citys! We stopped driving around 2am and we stopped in WI literally about 2 miles from the IL line! Lame!

Day 3..we started driving around 10am. And we finally made it home at 6am the following day. What a long ass drive man. Mike did all the driving...and of course Haylee enjoyed sleeping most the way in my ribs which hurt like a bitch!  Well ill finish this up a little later...but man what a long trip! Im glad to be home!

"They're coming to get you Barbra, they're coming"

I love horror movies. I love everything about them. I love the villian, i love the Hero-wen, i love how horror movies makes you think...."Maybe that noise i heard in the back yard wasnt just a cat...maybe it was the boogie man". I love every second of horror movies. My FAVORITE part is when the frightened woman because your hero-wen. I love it. I love the sense of empowerment it makes you as a woman feel. I mean...just imagine that real life moment.

Your being chased by a psycho killer, he's killed your boyfriend and best friend and up til now you've just run, and cryed, and fell down and watched as he took everything from you. Then the turn happens. YOU WONT BE THE VICTIM AN MORE. IF YOUR GONNA DIE, YOU WILL DIE FIGHTING. What a powerful moment.

Imagine getting to meet someone whose inspired your love for whatever...thats how i feel right now. I get to attend 2010's horrorfind weekend. The laundry list of iconic celebritys is astondishing. The person im most excited to meet is George A Romera. He is the godfather of zombie flicks. What i love most about his movies. Is he puts real life issues into his zombie movies. As funny as that sounds he does. In 1968, when raceism was still in america. George A Romera came out with a film called Night of the living dead. He did the unthinkable at that time. He casted his leading man, an african american. And instead of casting a leading white man...he wanted to go with the societys contraversys. That choose to cast a black man as the leading role during the civil rights movement was incredible. And that little movie started a huge epidemic of zombie Fanatics including myself. How scary is it to actually think that a zombie outbreak could happen. Giggle if you want. But honestly...there are scientist all over the world coming up with bio chemical weapons, cures for deases, est. Whos to say what they arent trying to make for our own good could mix with our blood and cause the dead to walk. All it takes is an air born chemical to enter the blood stream. Scary thought...but thats what horror movies are ment to do...take you to a place you couldnt even imagine..and it reminds you of todays horrors...that really do live and breath...and maybe its a knife carrying mask wearing pshycho like Michael Myers. But there are people out there that have no souls, that have no empathy, no remorse and that kill for just the pure pleasure of it.

Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, John Wayne Gacy, Ed Gein. These are real life serial killers. They are real and they are very much out there. Horror movies remind us to check our backseats, they remind us to be suspicious, they remind us to be afraid of a dark ally. Incase your not up on your serial killers, let me explain how scary these real life villians are.
Ted Bundy- he was a rapist and serial killer. He was charming, charismatic, a good looking guy. But he was evil...pure evil.
Charles Manson- He was a master mind. He has a band of followers who did his dirty work. He ordered the deal of a pregant woman..just to try to start a racist war
John Wayne Gacy- He was a child molester. He killed little boys after he raped them...and his real life career...he was an ice cream clown. Talk about scary...a fat man dressed like a clown killing little boys...what a fucked up world huh?
Ed Gein- total momma's boy. When his mother died...he dressed in her clothes, and start to rob graves. He then killed 2 woman and gutted there bodies like a deer during hunting season. When they arrested him...tehy found skulls made into ceral bowls.

REAL LIFE VILLIANS DO EXIST. And i for one know this...cause of my love for horror. I still check my backseat at night before i drive. I lock my doors, and im afraid of the dark. This is me. I remember watching horror movies with my older sister. I loved how it made me feel, the pure terror i felt from watching these movies. Even today when i watch horror movies it makes me feel...it just makes me feel right with my self LOL. I guess im a freak lol. But man i love horror movies. My favorites would def be Zombie flicks, and cheesy slasher films. I love horror movies that take place or happen when your most vonerable. I love movies taking places at summer camps, or while baby sitting. Places or activitys where if a psycho killer comes its gonna freaking suck! Right now im watching Night of the living dead...and i couldnt feel more at ease. Well this is just another little peice that makes up my personal puzzle.

Attempt #2

Dear Friends and Family,
      I recently wrote a blog asking everyone to quit asking me about our current military status. Quit talking about it. But since i guess my last blog didnt come across the way i wanted it to. Here is my second attempt. Let me set the stage for you...so hopefully reading this will make you understand why im being so bitch right now. Im 6 months pregnant..and EXTREMELY stressed out. I have crazy neighbors. Im raising a 3 year old which is stressful in its self, and we are being seperated from the military. My stress level is through the roof. EVERYDAY my thoughts are consumed with military crap. "When will we get our offical date" "When can i get the movers out here to move my stuff" "When can i start cleaning" "When will they give mike off work to help" This is my EVERY second of EVERY day thoughts. From the moment i wake to the moment i fall asleep this is what im thinking about. So let me break it down for you. We do not have a date yet. We cant get the movers out here til we get a date. We cant clean the house (deep clean) til the movers get our stuff out of here. We cant have our final inspection until we deep clean the house. So right now...i know sometime in the next week or so we will have 3 days..YES 3 days to get the movers out here, deep clean the house, and have our final inspection. BUT again the 3 days dont start til we get the date. So right now...all i can do is plan and plan and plan...and wait and wait and wait. So when i try to sleep at night not only am i trying to get comfortable to fall asleep but then i have to worry about having trouble turning off my brain. So the half an hour im on the computer on FB or on blogger I DO NOT WANNA THINK ABOUT MILITARY CRAP ingeneral. I dont wanna be asked a million questions that i dont have answers to, or that ive already repeated 1000 times. I dont wanna read about other peoples seperation stories cause all thats gonna do is make me think about my own situation. The half an hour im on FB or blogger i wanna talk about my pregnancy, i wanna play on frointeerville, i wanna window shop on ebay and walmart.com. Its my little bit of time i can get myself distracted to not think about whats going on with the damn military. I appricate everyones advise and there storyies. But im just so sick of thinking about, talking about, and dealing with it. UNLESS i come to you, write you, call you, whatever and ask about your situation i just dont care. Not to be insensitive. But like i said...hearing about your stories makes me think about my own military problems. And the time i get to be distracted from it...i dont wanna have to think about it. I wanna think about how my pregnancy is progressing, i wanna know what my friends are doing, i wanna shop for baby clothes online, I wanna play on FB. ANYTHING that doesnt have to do with the military. So please no one take offense to this...because like i said...i really do appricate all the support and all the hopeful thoughts and stories but i just really dont wanna talk about it any more. I dont wanna think about when im online. It is already consuming my life already...it doesnt have to when im blogging, or when im Facebooking. So now that i have hopefully set the record straight...please no replys...no messages....no IMs about the military. NONE. If you wanna message me lets talk about the weather, babies, tv shows. ANYTHING but military crap, seperating stories, Military advise. NO MILITARY! Thank you :)

Fall...Fall inlove....Still in shock....and annoying people

Tonight it just felt like heaven to me. I LOVE the fall season. I love the fall smells of the air, i love the leaf changes, i love the wind, and the chilled air. Tonight it just had that feel. It was 59 degrees with a little wind. Its been raining for the past week so its been pretty glummy. But man did just the outside feel put me in a pretty good mood. I can not wait til the summer is over and the fall begins...where we are wearing pants everyday and light jackets. And the leaves are blowing around all pretty with there browns and yellows and oranges. I just cant wait for September to get here to really kick off the fall season!

So Thursday was my last dr apt. And man what a good apt it was. I went in and they said Haylees heartbeat is about 148 which is great. And since i thought since i got my ultrasound @ 17weeks that i wouldnt get another one. But to my suprize they didnt get all the measurements they needed from the ultrasound so i got my 20wk ultrasound. I was pretty excited! Everything looked good. She's 10 oz. and im still in shock cause i keep thinking...man when are they gonna tell me "guess what we screwed up its a boy LOL" But when they went to check the sex...there it was in black in white...here little 3 lined hamberger. I was so excited. It was finally comfirmed by a professional. So im totally stoked! But baby girl is doing great. They got all her measurments this time, and we got a clear picture of her sex. She's on the tiny side measuring a week small. But thats ok cause ben was big so i want her tiny if i can lol. But it still seems sur real to me that im having a baby girl..and that im gonna have another baby period. I cant believe tomarrow i will be at my half way mark. Ill be 20wks and no more ER visits i go stright to L&D.  Im so excited and cant wait for Haylee to get here!

Man do people annoy the shit out of me. Idk if its the hormones from the pregnancy, or if its just that im so stressed i dont like stupid people, or if in general i dont like stupid people, But man im so sick of dealing with people. And latley if you do something that annoys me it seems like everything else after that just seems to annoy me even more. Im so sick of telling people over and over and over the same shit. Its like...read it SLOWLY and then reply. Cause idk if what im saying is coming off in a forean langage or what. and i know people are just concerned for us and want to offer help but im so sick of having to think about it and talk about it. I already have to deal with the retarded military i dont wanna talk about this too. So to make it easy for people...READ THIS SLOWLY...and dont reply about this section....

1. WE ARE GETTING A GENERAL DISCHARGE

2. WE ARE GETTING IT BECAUSE a. MIKE GOT A DUI b. THEY ARE KICKING PEOPLE OUT AND AT THIS POINT ANYONE THAT GETS AN ARTICAL 15 IS OUT..NO IF ANDS OR BUTS!

3. WE ARE NOT GETTING HEALTHCARE BENEFITS, YES IM OK WITH THAT, NO I DONT NEED ADVISE WHAT TO DO, I KNOW WHAT IM DOING ABOUT IT BUT THANK YOU

4. NO WE DONT KNOW OUR DATE YET, YES IM STRESSED, NO I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!

5. YES IM HAPPY ABOUT IT.

now that ive clearfyed please people i know your concerned but please wait til i say we got the date to mention it. Thanks

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome

Its 7:11am, im awake, i just took my husband to work, and im feel a bit chitty chatty. I hate this part of the morning. I hate it because im not a morning person. And no im not just saying that. I really am! And i dont choose to be this way. From being a teen i remember knowing i was differant when it came to sleeping. I had trouble getting tired at night. And usually stayed up past my bed time. Then in the morning it was extremely hard to get up and function through the day. I remember alot of high school i slept in my classrooms. Sounds like a normal teenager? Not so much. I even skiped a butt load of school in middle school due to this problem. I would stay up late. And when it came time to wake, id get in the shower..do everything you do when getting ready for school but the second my parents walked out the door i would crawl back into bed. I got indoor suspension for the amounth of time i missed. I even forged notes from my parents during this time. I thought i was being a normal kid. Well now im 23, and it has progressovly gotten worse. I went to the dr and they gave me the most common diagnois out there. Insomnia! I was on sleeping meds. But again im not normal. Ived tryed so many. First before i got diagnosed i tryed Tylonal pm...night quill...sleep aids...and they were all the same. Helped for about 3 days..then nothing. Id take it and boom id still be awake. The dr. gave me Lunesta...and again the same thing. It did work for about a week but now when id take it (cant cause im preggy) but when i did..it just stopped working. Id take it and then not only could i not eat or drink but i was stuck til 3am or later. WHATS WRONG WITH ME? I was constantly asking myself this question. Why cant i go to bed at a normal hour for a long period of time and wake up in the morning, in the early morning. In stead i get to go to bed sometime after 2am and wake sometimes at noon or later in the day. Then it happened. One night on one of my sleepless everyday time, i was watching True Life on MTV. And that show has helped me put a name to the face of my sleeping problems. A young girl had trouble falling asleep and waking up. She had whats called Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Everything about this girls story and everyday life and the same as mine. Cant fall asleep before a certain time, sleeps all day, and if woken before her sceduled wake up time she was basically a zombie all day long. I couldnt believe it. Someone that is exactly like me, so i decided to do some searching. And heres what i found

"Delayed sleep-phase syndrome (DSPS), also known as delayed sleep-phase disorder (DSPD) or delayed sleep-phase type (DSPT), is a circadian rhythm sleep disorder, a chronic disorder of the timing of sleep, peak period of alertness, the core body temperature rhythm, hormonal and other daily rhythms, relative to societal requirements. People with DSPS generally fall asleep some hours after midnight and have difficulty waking up in the morning.[1]

Often, people with the disorder report that they cannot sleep until early morning, but fall asleep at about the same time every "night". Unless they have another sleep disorder such as sleep apnea in addition to DSPS, patients can sleep well and have a normal need for sleep. Therefore, they find it very difficult to wake up in time for a typical school or work day. If, however, they are allowed to follow their own schedules, e.g. sleeping from 4 a.m. to noon, they sleep soundly, awaken spontaneously, and do not experience excessive daytime sleepiness.
The syndrome usually develops in early childhood or adolescence.[2] An adolescent version disappears in adolescence or early adulthood; otherwise DSPS is a lifelong condition. Depending on the severity, it can be to a greater or lesser degree treatable. Prevalence among adults, equally distributed among women and men, is approximately 0.15%, or 3 in 2,000"

Now that i know what is wrong with me i can begin to fix it. But let me dumb it down for you. Basically My normal sleeping clock is missing a few nuts and bolts. So instead of being like most of the population. I have trouble fall asleep before 2am. Thats my set time as im learning. And then when left alone to sleep fully without interuptions. I sleep peacefully until about 1-2pm. See most "normal" people gernerally go to bed sometime around 9pm and wake around 6-7am. And then get a burst of energy a few hours after wakeing. With me mines just all screwed up. Its the same scedule just set at differant times. I get a burt of energy around 4-5pm rather then 9-10am. Now how to fix this...hmm well from what im learning from research basically you have to manually reset your own time clock. Sounds easy but for someone like me its anything but. I have to everynight go to bed earlier and earlier and the theroy is you will awake earlier and earlier...but now that i have kids i find this hard to do. Speaking of kids im sure you wondering what about ben? Wheres ben in all this. He's showing signs of this disorder as well. So he's usually asleep with me when im asleep and usually awake when im awake. Sad to say but its true. Ive tryed to fix his clock but its harder in a toddler. So every night when you see me online...and wonder what the hell is she doing up. And then ontop of it why am i never up during the day, now you know.
 
But now im faced with a bigger problem. I havent had a really good nights sleep in a long time. My husband recently got a DUI about 2 months ago. Since then he hasnt been allowed to drive on base...so guess who gets to be his personal driver. ME...oh fucking joy to the god damn world. Now that you know that if my sleep is inturoped i sleep horrable..how do you think its been for the past 2 months have to be going to anywhere between 2am-4am and then being woken up at 630am. I dont sleep very well. This is why half the time ive been staying up til about 7am takin him to work...and then going to bed and having a pretty peaceful sleep until i have to pick him up again at 330. Which fucking sucks. So needless to say i havent gotten much good sleep in 2 month. I hope writing this helps answer some questions...maybe im not the only one out of my friends with this problem. But hey 3 out of 2,000....im not guessing it but i dont know if ill actually meet someone out there in person like me.

My husband might get beat

I kinda wanna beat my husband. IDK if its the hormones or what but he's just pressing my buttons...and its driving me NUTS! So...here's the deal-eo. We have 2 TVs in our house. WE agreed to have 1 in the living room, and 1 in the bedroom. For the reason of...if someones on the main TV (living room) then the other ppl can go watch what they want in the bedroom. And vise versa...so this A-Hole...will hog the damn Main tv..not that i care..im on the computer anyways...but then ill told him today @ 3pm that i was so tired and that i wanted to take a nap. He was like no we gotta do this..we gotta do that...so i wait for him to start so we can get what we need done done...so he finally gets a fire under his ass around 530pm. After playing baseball, and cod and watching tv and blah blah blah. So the whole time im waiting i keep saying im freaking tired..im gonna go take a nap. No i dont cause he keeps saying we are gonna start getting stuff done around the house. So finally its like 10pm...after we get stuff done...i cant wait to go to bed. So we go to the bedroom and he turns on the TV. WTF...i cant sleep with the tv on...not only does he watch 1 hour long episode of some show...then he puts on a 2 hr damn movie...are you kidding me...i manage to fall asleep but its one of those...you know your sleeping but you also know your awake you know? Just not a good night sleep. So when the movie ends im like turn off the damn tv...and he has the damn nerve to be like "fine i guess ill just sit here and and be awake" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME... Everytime i go and wanna just watch tv in the bedroom and he's tired...he tells me he cant sleep with the tv on..so me being a good wife..i just go down stairs and watch tv in the living room...thats the RESPECTFUL thing to do you know? But god forbit i cant sleep with the TV on and he throws a damn 3 yr old tantrum about it. I really just wanna hit him with a frying pan. I love him but damn he can be the most selfish person i know. I just dont think it should be taht big of a damn deal to have to watch tv in bed especially if the other person is tired and ask nicely to turn the tv off. I mean it wouldnt have killed him to come down stairs and watched tv in the living room or just gone to bed right then and there. but no he likes to be a royal ass. Just makes me wanna beat him!

The Anxiety of Civilian life...

As the end of our military days come to a close...I'm having more and more anxiety attacks thinking about our life outside the military...all the relationship problems me and mike have endured during our civilian life makes me fearful of whats to come. Already mikes been invited to party's back home...don't get me wrong...its not that partying I'm worried about...drinking is fine and dandy...but before the military had us in its grips mike was a stoner...before i met him of course...but even still he did smoke very seldom when we got together and then had to quit once he left for boot camp..I'm so fearful he's going to go back to that old habit and that's just something i didn't stand for then and i def wont stand for now, especially with kids...and i love my husband but he's one that thinks that if he can get away with a lie..he's damn sure gonna try to. Another thing..I'm all for separate friends...but its so different from military life. In the military i know that every other military member that mike is friends with wont be smoking pot any where near him..or near themselves. That would get you jail time plus kicked out of the military. So having him say "hey baby I'm going to GI Joe's house for a few beers" that doesn't scare me...but i mean i like SOME of his friends...BUT alot of them just aren't where we are in life. Not saying everyone has to be where we are...but it def helps to have friends who can understand. A great example is Keri <3 shes got kids and she's a wife...she knows what it is like to be able to go to the bar and beat temptation. She understands what its like to have boundaries that are just oh we will break up..NO, WE WILL DIVORCE. YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING..YOUR KIDS, YOUR MARRIAGE, EVERYTHING. NONE of mikes friends even have kids, or are married..and like i said...its not that they have to be..but with military friends...i know that at least pot isn't an issues EVER. With civilian friends...theres not only the fear of them putting temptation in front of him...like girls, or places he knows he isn't allowed to go like strip clubs. But now its the Pot factor. I want to trust him...but lets be honest with ourselves...when you've got a few beers in you and a few friends egging you on...it can get hard to say no. I'm fortunate enough to have friends that when i drink around them...they don't egg me on to do shit that could jeopardize my relationship or family. But i just don't think mikes friends will have that same aspect on life...i mean they don't understand that we have kids, and i don't want my children ANYWHERE near drugs. Plus i mean...like i said not only is it my husband but alot of guys seem to think that if they can get away with a lie..they will try. That includes friends. Believe me...i know that theres a GUY CODE just like us ladies have that GIRLS CODE. And in that i would think alot of the rules are the same...if your girl tells you DON'T TELL you more then likely wont...We take things to our graves...so my guess is...so do the guys. Mike keeps trying to tell me he wont do it..but i mean most of his friends are known pot smokers..and wont care if you aren't doing it..and don't wanna be around it...they will simply think...then don't come...But of course mike thinks its not a big deal to be around it as long as he's not doing it...but how do i know that? He's gonna come home smelling like pot, and I'm sure gonna have a "contact  buzz" but how do i know if he actually took a hit or not. Simply put...i want nothing to do with the stuff. I don't wanna smell it...i don't want it to smelt by my kids, and i def don't want it on my husbands clothes? But how can i tell him...don't hang out with your friends when ALL his friends do it? That's not fair of me...that's like him saying don't hang out with any of my friends who go to bars...well all my friends do go to bars. I just don't know what to do to solve this issue...i just hope we can keep the trust we've built over the years as strong..but for some reason i just know something is gonna happen to make that trust deteriorate.

Another thing is...ill be the first to admit it. I'M A JEALOUS WIFE. If i had it my way...mike wouldn't be friends with ANY females. Unless i personally know them, like them, and trust them. So naturally I'm fearful to go back to the state that he has spend the majority of the time cheating. His ex lives here in Maryland...and she's one of those " i don't think its so bad to basically straddle another guy, cause we are just friends" Well it is...and i just know mike isn't the kind of guy to be rude...he wouldn't stand up to her..for 1. She's his first love....2. She took his virginity...and 3. In his morbid mind...its OK to be BEST friends with your first love and the girl who took his virginity. Me not so much. Don't get me wrong...I'm friends with my exes...but i def wouldn't call us best friends..nor would i straddle them ever...especially in front of there wives, or girlfriends. I mean i know that if we were just walking in the mall, or down the street and she happen to pass us...he would have to stop and of course...be himself...which unfortunately when it comes to females...especially ones he's been intimate with..he's a flirt..If it were me...id keep walking and pretend to have not even have seen the bitch. But hey...like i said I'm a jealous wife..and i def don't wanna watch her skank ass straddle my husband and think that's model behavior. I'm so stressed cause i know the second he talks to her...I'm gonna get pissed...he knows how i feel about her. He knows i don't trust her..or him together. But he still just cant seem to let go. Trust me if i posted a blog about all the shit he's done towards me regarding her...you'd understand. but for the sake that Haylee is killing my ribs...i wont go into that much of detail. Either way...i don't wanna to go back to psycho Alishia...that would blow up my husbands phone if he didn't answer in fear that he's cheating or doing something he's no supposed to. I don't want to cause that, i want to live in Maryland and be happy. But i just know...sooner or later... its bound to happen. I just pray I'm not pregnant when it does so i can knock her out the second she goes to leap for him.

SVU...or my own life?

I love it when I'm watching a show...and something about it makes me think about my own life...i was watching Law and Order SVU...and a guy (robin Williams) was charged with impersonating a police officer and telling a man to molest a teenager...he was found not guilty even though he was guilty as sin. But his whole point of it was that people don't ever question authority. It also came out that years earlier..his wife died during child birth and so did his unborn son...he told the Dr she needed a c-section..and the Dr ignored his wishes and continued on..she then bled to death from the umbilical cord and also resulting in the death of the child. He was doing all this stuff to show that you shouldn't be a sheep as he said..and just follow the heard you should question and stand up for whats right...It really made me think about all the abuse we've gone through with our neighbors..and how I'm putting my faith in the cops and the military to take care of this matter...when deep down i know its not going to get resolved...my putting blind trust into an organization that (sorry for saying) really doesn't seem to give a damn too much about the military members families or well beings. I'm all for the military don't get me wrong...but when it comes to the rights and welfare of the service members family we basically don't exist. A good example is...we aren't allowed to get in trouble...if we do it reflects negatively on the service member...Another good example is how you tell the military how stressed your family is over something they don't hurry up to try to fix the issues..they basically just say "oh fucking well get the hell over it". If we weren't getting out of the military i would want to try to start something...a bill...or idk what you would call it. But just something that states that's our military isn't only the service members...its the families as well. And it pisses me off that the military always says that "oh our military is the serves members and families" yet you don't treat us like we are an important part. I get it...we are not the ones deploying, we aren't the ones risking our lives, but we are the ones who hold down the home front when the military member is gone. WE are mommy and Daddy a good portion of the time. We deal with life when they aren't able to be there. We stand by and support our troops and our military, yet we don't get any RESPECT in return. I'm so sick of having to bottle up my feelings and hope my husband has time in his busy work schedule to see the first shirt...it should be allowed that the wives should be allowed to address issues with the commander, or the shirts when our husbands can not. And it doesn't cause a lashing on our husbands for it. Its frustrating to have everything that's going on...and feel totally helpless...i feel so let down by the military for what my neighbors have put us through, i really wish i could just go to the commander and express my feelings..and show him/her the affects its caused. But like I've stated before...we are the silent ranks...we are the ones who get no recognition, we are the ones who get no respect....hopefully something chances...if not for me...for the future Mrs. GI Joe.

Sick of the shit

You know i love my friends...i love them to death but I'm so freaking annoyed with some people it makes me sick! For one i think its ridiculous that ppl like to call me very seldom and when they do, they are so self absorbed..i mean i can be at times...but at least when I'm on the phone with ppl i give them a chance to vent or talk also. It pisses me off beyond belief when ppl will call me..and go on about people i don't even know, talk about there lives and there dramas...but the very second i mention talking about how I'm doing..about how my pregnancy is going, or how I'm stressed out all i ever get is "oh i have to go...ill call ya back", "oh i have a beep ill call ya back" and its not that i need there full attention its that they NEVER call me back...i wont hear from them for a week or longer....Its like they only called to bitch about there lives and that's it...START A FUCKING BLOG FOR THAT...I'm all for listening to my friends problems...that's not that problem but god damn...if your gonna dish it you better have the time to sit there and take it too! Your not the only fucking one with issues and problems...and half the shit these people talk to me about are stupid shit....like how they cooked dinner...or how they had drama at work or with a friend (whom i don't even know) And like i keep saying...i know people have jobs...i know people go to school, i know people have lives outside of being my friend and that's fine and dandy...but i mean come on...when you call instead of taking an hour to tell me about your petty problems then get off the phone the second i mention my problems..how about not calling me unless you have enough damn time to talk..both ways. Don't call me if you know your husband is coming home from work and you'll get off the phone when he gets home...don't call me if your expecting a call from someone. Wait until you have time...cause its beyond rude to sit there vent, bitch, and complain and then run and hide when its your turn to play the listener!

And then another thing...after all that shit...after all the crap I've gone through having to listen to certain ppls drama and shit and what not...don't tell me i have fit in time to call you and make sure i remember you...I'm going threw so much shit, these damn people are least on my freaking mind...with the pregnancy, packing, cleaning, psycho neighbors, not having an exact date, and worrying about money...your def not whats on my mind...and probley wont be...but you wouldn't know that since you never give me the fucking chance to vent to you! Just saying....

Oh to my Fist

When i think about your Fake-ness

and i think about the scars

I think about the pain id like inflict on your hearts

When i think about the trouble

You have put in front of me

I think about how pretty

My fist could make you be

When i think about being a victim

Of your careless attitude

I think about the danger

I want to inflict on you

But then i think about

How better off ill be

To hold my head up high

And know you never got to me!

A poem..written by Alishia M Jamesson

Dedicated to my Neighbors from Hell

Neighbors from HELL

I'M SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF MY PSYCHO NEIGHBORS. So we just had a our pre inspection for our house...it started around 1pm, he left at 140...so after he leaves I'm on the phone with mom to tell her how it went..and I'm looking out my front window..and what do i notice, a cop car driving down my road..Ben's sitting with me and he's like mommy its the cops...so I'm talking to my mom, i see the cops turn around, and i think man it must be that the cars on the road were parked where they weren't allowed to...so I'm watching the cops get out of there car...and start to walk to my freaking door...are you serious...so i let me mom go and answer the door..of course they say they have a noise complaint..ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...ITS FUCKING 2PM...ITS NOT EVEN DARK WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT...So the one cop who was here last time they stopped by i believe about 2wks ago. They didn't even come in the house cause they knew it was my psycho neighbors..and so of course they tell me they have to respond its there jobs but I'm so fucking sick of dealing with these damn people...its 2 in the afternoon give me a break! The cops had said that they are on night shift..which to me is a total lie..since 1 they only have 1 car...and the car was gone..so one of them had to be at work..and since i don't sleep at night...i know there car is always there at night...so i mean come on...but I'm so pissed and so angry i feel like a total victim..i feel like no one in the military gives a damn..they call the cops and i get talked to yet Ive complained to everyone...first shirts, housing office, the cops...and they get nothing...not even a talking to. I wish i had enough balls to just start banging and screaming and blaring music..but i hate confirmations...Now not only do i have to clean my house, keep my son safe, worry about my pregnancy but now i get to try to be completely quite 24/7 until we leave...i wish i could just walk over there punch her in the face...and have no reparations..but we all know it never works out that way.

Id like a side of Cock with that please.....

So i go into my kitchen, i grab a glass and get some ice..and pure my soda into the cup. I get a piece of cheese and then get Ben his cereal. I go into my living room and serve Ben his food and juice...and for some strange reason my freezer makes the ice taste like onions. So i had to go wash my hands. Well the window in my kitchen is right above my sink. So I'm washing my hands and i notice my neighbors kitchen like is on...(which is odd..it was like 10pm) so i continue washing my hands...i realize that my neighbor is in the kitchen..at the sink. I'm thinking oh i wonder if he does the dishes before bed...maybe he's getting his kids something to drink. I then notice something kinda of interesting...he's got both his hands on the sink like its holding himself up...that's when i see it. My neighbors wife's head is slowly bobbing just at cock level....omg am i really watching my neighbors get a little kinky in the kitchen...Yup sure am...my neighbor is totally getting head in his kitchen wit the blinds open and the kitchen light on...talk about getting a room....This of course made me feel a bit pervy...cause i couldn't help but look and watch a little...about 20 Min's after catching this crazy act...they finished and everything went back to normal as far as i could see..but man talk about a night time snack....

Pee on the seat, pooping problems...and cant you just tell me what to do???

One thing i hate...i HATE is living in a house with 2 males. Every time i have to go to the bathroom i always manage to have to wipe pee off the damn toilet seat...do you know how annoying that it....not only does my son do it...but so does my damn husband. I cant count the number of times Ive woken up in the middle of the damn night with that lovely nightly urge to pee...i rush into the bathroom barley able to see whats in front of me...i sit down to feel a nasty wet spot on my ass....Its like dude...learn to aim..and its not like its all over the seat its just a pee drop but its still there. and its fucking gross! Another thing that's just as bad as pee on the seat...is having a 3 yr old who likes to talk your ear off...not so much that he talks..that he feels the best time to have a conversation with you is when you going number 2...yes i said it..ill be the first to admit it...i do poop like normal ppl..I will sneak away into the bathroom to have a nice pooping experience lol ill start to read my book and in will come Ben...in all his glory...knowing he has caught me at a moment where i cant run away...i have to just sit and listen...he always starts out the same way..."mom...your my best friend...you are just my best best friend"....and he will go on to say stuff like "your my best friend so i think you should get me something to eat cause I'm so hungry." and all i can do is sit there and think...man what a horrible time for a lecture about how hungry my child is. I always get that flash back of my mom telling me story's about how when she would go to the bathroom she would see my little fingers underneath the door just begging to come in. Some times i wanna just scream and tell Ben to vanish..at least while I'm trying to give birth through my butt...

On a non bathroom note...i never realized how the past 23 yrs of my life has been so controlled...all my life time i got married at age 19 my parents told me who my Dr would be. then when i got married the military told me who my Dr would be and where i would go for child birth...now that we are getting out I'm faced with making these descions by myself...i mean it doesn't sound hard but coming from being in Montana where we have literally 1 hospital...to Maryland that has like 30+ hospitals...now i have to figure out where i want to deliver..who i want to be my Dr..and with practically no help...i mean my moms there for me...but i man I'm so use to having the military or my parents tell me exactly what to do...I'm kinda lost...my life has been pretty controlled til now...I just wish someone would tell me where to go and what to do....man....I'm still just trying to figure this crap out!