putting the peices back together and glueing it

So ive come to the descions that im going to work on mending my relationship with michael. i mean how can i just through out 5 yrs over a walk that may or may not have happened. Right now i know i love my husband and i know he loves me and we have a family. Not just a relationship is invested in this. We have 2 kids together and a 5 yr relationship. Im not about to toss that out cause of a walk and talk. As hurt as i am i know i can move on from this, i know our relationship is stronger then this, and it will take time to get back to normal but everyday it gets easier

Heartbroken doesnt even discribe it

im so utterly heartbroken...im hurt, im sad, im stressed, and worried. Tonight my asshole of a husband told me he was going out with his cousin..i asked him who all would be going...he said just his cousin and a friend of his cousins...the reason i ask this is because his cousins roomate is dating mikes ex girlfriend...so she's normally always there...but he asured me she would not be there so i let him go....well Alex and Keri stopped by to keep me company. Once they left at 3am i called mike to tell him goodnight..no answer...i call again still no answer...i get a call back from his phone and who is it on the other line? Mikes cousins roomate. Im like wheres mike? he tells me he went outside and he goes looking for him...after asking some questions of whos he outside with who all is there? He tells me he's outside ALONE with his ex girlfriend..and now he cant seem to find either of them...he tells me that basically mike wanted "closure" to there relationship so they went outside alone...then he tells me that was over 3 hrs ago. So he starts to call his girlfriends cell phone...wow what a suprize she left her cell phone in the house 2. So now i have my lieing cheating husband who told me he wouldnt be around her...with her ALONE no one can find them and they both left there cells phones so they could talk about "there old relationship" IM FUCKING DONE...im so hurt...i told him how i felt about this situation, he knew i didnt want him going out in the first place and now he's alone with his ex. At this point im so pissed if he even calls me back im telling him im divorcing him for this stunt...i dont trust him...i dont trust her...and now they are alone together, and no one can seem to find them.

For 1 they shouldnt even be talking about a former relationship, since theres ended nearly 5 yrs ago. and he's been with me ever since...plus we have a family together..we are married we have a kid together and another on the way. Im so hurt that he would do this to our family, to me, to our children...i guess he doesnt give a damn about us after all. Im so steamed im about to tell him to fuck himself...and that im fileing for divorce...i dont need this and i know what i want..ive known what i want...and if he still needs "closeure" oviously it isnt our family. I just wanna cry...thats what im doing but i just, im so tired...its now 4am and still no answer...its now been 4 hrs and he's still not answering the phone...the roommate went to bed so now its just me being hurt, heartbroken and alone. I just can not believe he would put us through this...i cant believe he would do this kinda shit to me again.

When will this Tension end?

Im so sick of the Tension in my parents house...its seriously depressing me...in a time i should be overjoyed and excited about the soon arrive of my daughter, and being back home with family and friends it has me more wishing i was back in Montana away from my mom away from the constant drama and the constant money hungry tension of this house and family. I mean i know times are tough but i just have to ask myself when will it end? When can i wake up, be excited to sit in the living room with my mother and child, and just RELAX. I mean and i feel like im living in a house...paying "rent" but getting literally NOTHING out of it...i mean when you live in a house your renting, or an apartment...when they say your rent is XX amount of money...you get the freedom to do what you want...the freedom to go to sleep when you please, the freedom to awake when you want. You get to set your own temp in your house, and if you wanna walk around naked then so be it...We are paying my parents 100 bucks a week..YES a week and granted that is cheapter then renting an apartment...its truely not worth it...For 1...we are paying 100 bucks and you would think that includes everything...but no..now my parents want to try to include utilities...i mean mike takes a 5 min shower twice a day...and i shower every 2 days for about 15 mins...ben takes a bath every other night. And my father claims the bill has gone up 19 bucks since we moved in...well i thought that 100 bucks would cover that...but aparrently i was mistaken, so now they want to charge us an extra 25 bucks a week just for showering privilages...which the 19 bucks is MONTHLY not weekly...so instead of charging us oh say 5 bucks a week...they want 25 bucks...so we would actually be paying 100 bucks a month...for use of the shower that has only gone up 19 bucks a month..make sence...didnt thing so...So what does this 100 bucks include? It doesnt include the freedom thats for sure...im told when to wake up, i seldom get to sleep in and wake up when i feel like it. It doesnt include getting to be comfortable in my own home...my parents have the heat set at 80 for winter...and has the air set at 80 in the summer...thats IF the air is even on during the summer...so most days its actually HOTTER in the house then it is outside...if its 90 degrees outside its actually 95 inside...So im NEVER truely comfortable...i wear shorts in the winter...cause they set the heat so damn high...and im sweating in a tank top and booty shorts in the summer. So maybe the 100 bucks includes having my mom do my laundry? NOPE guess again...i do that on my own...i wash mine, my husbands, and my childs clothes. So ontop of the 100 bucks AWEEK i also have daily choirs like vaccuming, emptying the dishwasher, refilling, washing pans, and cleaning up after supper. But do you think that would be enough...of course not...now my mom wants mike to start emptying the cat box...the 1 choir i literally cant do...and thats the 1 choir she actually has to do...she is trying to pawn of on mike...well of course mikes not having it. Im starting to not be able to sleep...all i can think about is getting the hell out of my parents house. I cant stand being here...i spend most of my time when my mom or dad is upstairs in my room avoiding them intirely...and i try to get out of the house as often as possible. So far me and mike have NO money saved...cause after bills, and paying my parents, and putting gas in the car we get about 50 bucks each with mainly goes to food for ourselves since my dad only shops for food daily rather then monthly or weekly...i mean theres hardly enough food to feed ourselves so...now im on wic which of course goes towards what my parents want. I just honestly feel like im being sufficated in this house...its killing my relationship with my mother, and they say they want us to get on our feet but how can we if we are paying them 400+ a month and we only get 2000 total a month and thats if the month is a good productive month...if its a bad month or even a bad week we lose out on a good 300+. Then ontop of that...we have other bills that equal about 450 a month...gas is about 150 a month, mins for the cell is about 100 a month plus we have to buy food so thats a good 400 a month...i mean the numbers just keep piling up...i cant wait til tax time..cause as soon as we file...we are looking for a place to live...and moving the hell out! Im hoping writing this will help clear my brain and let me fall asleep!

Im like an open book...you should just put down the fucking pages

Im so annoyed...im an open book, i dont hide myself for anyone...and im not about to change for anyone..but dont question me about what im open about when you like to hide behind a mask, and lie to your so called loved ones. If im happy and missing my husband im gonna scream it from the roof top...but also if im pissed at him im also gonna scream it from the rooftop. I just think people cause drama becuase they are simply bored with there own lives. I have NEVER cheated on mike, i have no intentions of cheating on Mike. So dont fucking try to judge me for voiceing my anger at him or anyone else. I dont go around fucking people behind my spouses back...i dont lie or spend all my time away from my family in video games...so dont even try to put me down for simply voiceing my opinions about what pisses me off and what doesnt. Im happy your happy now...but dont try to rain on my life cause your life is too plain jane for you.


ok now that my rant is out of the way...ill explain for those who dont know wtf is going on...

Me and mike have a friend we'll call him Dexter...well Dexter has been in our life for a good 5 yrs since we got married. Well dexter was married...but he decided he was unhappy so he buried himself in video games, and drinking, and ignoreing his family. But that was his business and no one elses...So we as good friends stood by as friends. Well then we found out that Dexter was starting to see someone behind his wifes back..again his business not ours..so i never told his wife...for 1 we werent that close to begin with 2 again it was none of my business...Well after he told his wife they were divorceing she left him and he brought in his new Mrs. Dexter...i met the girl..sweet girl...he seemed happy and i was happy for him and her...So i thought everything was going great...they got married...now living together and everything is great...but now all of a sudden he starts on me constintly for my spelling, and then he starts to see on my FB my status...1 minute im super happy with mike..and like i said i scream it from the roof top...but then when i get upset i post how im feeling...ingeneral how im feeling and this SOB decides thats he wants to get on me saying how he would NEVER talk shit about his wife like i do about mike...BUT the thing is..i never actually said i was pissed at mike...i said i was upset cause i was sick and not feeling good and really just wanted a break and that i hated men...But he decieded he was gonna try to tell me how shitty i am for voicing my god damn opinions on my fucking FB...i dont judge people...If all ive done is voiced how upset i am to my friends on FB and this SOB is fucking around on his first wife..to me he has NO room to talk shit. NONE! So i have offically deleted him from my page and his wife...cause he's starting drama just to start drama...idk if its just that his perfect snowglobe life is just too pleasentville for him? or what but im so done dealing with people and there fucking judgements...so if i post something about how im feeling at that moment and you try to judge me...i will snip you quicker then vassectamy...im DONE!

When is enough gonna be good Enough?

Im getting so fucking sick and tired of living in my parents house. My mom is pushing me so far away its not even funny. Today i go to find sometime to eat for lunch and low and behold theres nothing to eat..LIKE ALWAYS...so i just said well theres nothing to eat. And she goes well i have 20 bucks so ill go get bread and some lunch meat...i told her no since i know she really doesnt have the funds to do that. But then she wants to start to fucking bitch about how she wants to have sit down AGAIN with mike, me, dad, and her about shit. And i asked her what is the damn problem now? She tells me that basically she is sick of doing the cat box...I HELP WITH EVERYTHING around this house...she doesnt work so she does house work as well...and the 1 fucking choir she HAS to do is the cat box...it pisses me off....she's saying how mike needs to help out more..NO HE DOESNT...i stay home i dont do anything except take care of my son and do house hold choirs...thats what she should see it as...my dad works so she has the choir of doing the house hold choirs. I just dont understand, when will enough be good enough for her? I NEED TO MOVE OUT AND QUICK BEFORE OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART!

past coming back to Haunt me...

Oh man im writing this in hopes that i can go to bed without worrying about having nightmares retaining to tonights situation. So any whos...Tonight was a total disaster. Im one of those people that if i get annoyed it takes ALOT to get me in a better mood. Well Let me start from the begining...and i mean WAY IN THE BEGINING. I was dating this guy Mike S. in High school. He was def my first love, the one who took my virginity all that fun mumbo jumbo. I mean it took me about a good 2 1/2 years to get over this guy..we dated for a little over a year. Well in this year that we dated i interduced him to lots of my friends like a normal couple does. Well one girl in proticular i interduced to him, she was a good friend...i considered her close enough to interduce to by BF outside of school you know. Well after me and Mike S. broke up, he wanted to get back at me for dating someone else...so who does he start to date..none other then the friend who i interduced him to. We will call her Nancy. Anywhos, so she got him into drugs real bad..and on top of that it hurt me worse since i was still friends with her...and she didnt have the balls to tell me she was fucking my ex...i mean come on...girl code anyone. So needless to say when i did find out...i was of course heartbroken by this...back stabbed by a friend and my first love. So our friendship ended...well now that its been about 8yrs since all that drama...ive tryed making emends with her...i have her on my FB, i talk to her...well she's good friends with my bestie...so since i go by a higher code of ill do anything for my family and friends, ill hold my tonge if i have to you know? Well tonight was my besties birthday bash. So Mike my husband of 5 yrs goes with us...and so does my bestie, her hubs and NANCY. So no biggy...the night starts out fun, chatting, they are drinking im taking pictures. Just a fun time. Well i start to notice that Every time NANCY wanted a drink she would ask my husband to go up with her...at first it wasnt a big deal...but as she got drunker and he got drunker i started noticeing it was bugging me you know?? So then mikes totally trashed and i had barley seen him all night cause every time he would sit down to have a drink he would go right back up to the bar with her to get another drink...so i was getting pissed and i told him to stay sitting cause i was getting cold and i wanted to cuddle...Well NANCY offered me her jacket...and so did my bestie...i kept telling them i was fun just long as mike stayed sitting next to me to block the wind. Well so mike thought it would be funny to put on my besties jacket..mind you its a plaid ladies jacket...so i kept saying babe take it off you look gay, it looks silly...well in comes NANCY telling me to chill out and it was funny she decided she's gonna button MY husband up in this girly shirt...so in the back of my mind im replying all the times i hung out with her and my EX, and how i interduced them like i was doing tonight..and so i was getting pissed and kept saying TAKE OFF THE DAMN SHIRT....AND STOP. Well mike relized i was getting LIVID...and so he took it off and wanted to know what was wrong...once NANCY went to the bathroom again i told him about my past and what she had done before..and mike kept saying he was sorry and he only loves me and how beautiful i am...So i tryed to finish enjoying myself...well the rest of the night NANCY kept spilling drinks on me...being drunk idk if it was on purpose or was a drunkin oops but i got this impression it was on purpose..she spilled her drink on me 5 times. I was so pissed and then she kept wanting me to dance with her and i kept saying NO im not dancing im feel closerphobic and i was already pissed and once im pissed i dont wanna talk to the person im pissed at. Well Then me and the bestie went to the bathroom and when i got back mike told me she kept hitting on him when i was gone and that he sent her in the bar to get her away from him. So of course im even more mad now...And my bestie kept trying to tell me thats just how she is and she wont try anything but i mean come on...i already know she would...she's already done it once, grant it that was 8 yrs ago but still...once a hoe always a hoe. She kept trying to get him to dance with her..THANK god he was trashed and could barley stand up so he didnt of course...but then when we went to leave she kept trying to hold his hand on the way out and he kept pushing her away saying no im fine to walk. I dont know if its my anxiety and Paranoia making me think this way, or if thats how it really was. And then in the car...we are all driving home in the van and she's sitting in the front of the van, with me and mikes in the back of the van ALONE and she goes and climbs back there to smoke..well then never comes back to were she was sitting...i felt like she was trying to just get closer to my husband...i kept thinking she's probley trying to touch his dick right now while he's drunk..so i kept checking back there..thank god she didnt atleast not that i could see..but I just know tonight ill be having nightmares about them doing stuff, and just random nightmares like that. Im just so annoyed and pissed and hurt that she would do that AGAIN...you would think she would change a little after having a kid and all..but i guess some girls just dont change at all. I really hope my past isnt coming back to haunt me!

PET PEEVES

Since being back ive totally started noticing some of my pet peeves, I dont even know if these are actually pet peeves or just shit that gets on my nerves...so here they are...

1. Bad mouthing my man....So im married Mike which gives me every right to bad mouth him if i feel like it..but i do not like ppl who bad mouth him...it pisses me off...friend or family. DONT BAD MOUTH MY HUSBAND...If i come to you and say..OMG mikes and asshole he did this and that...dont start being like yea he is a douch bag, he's an ass hole...i just want someone to listen and someone to agree with me..but not by calling him names. IM THE ONLY BITCH THAT CAN DO THAT!

2. Shower time is MY TIME...OMG..nothing pisses me off more..then when i go into the shower..i announce to everyone im getting in the shower and then start getting undressed...giving ppl enough time to say OH I HAVE TO PEE...Cause when i go into the shower...i like the heat to build up so its nice and toasty in the shower and the bathroom...it pisses me off sooo bad when i go into the shower im all nice and toasty and comfy and then someone comes in and is like OH I HAVE TO PEE...BITCH YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE BEFORE I GOT IN THE SHOWER....You had all day to get in before i took 15 mins out of the day to shower...if you cant go pee before that 15 mins time that i take for myself...you should be smacked!

3. DONT TOUCH MY LIGHTING....OMG in our living room we have a dim system lighting...and it pisses me off more then anything..when im sitting in the living room by myself..and my mom comes upstairs to take her meds and get ready for bed...she dims the damn light in the room im sitting in! OMG I WANNA SCREAM...your not sitting in here...your just in here to take your meds...LEAVE THE DAMN LIGHTS ALONE...i like it being EXTREMELY bright at night in the room im sitting in...Talk about annoying!

4. ITS MY DIET...I DONT TELL YOU WHAT TO EAT..DONT TELL ME...I get so pissed when im making my food..no matter what it is..i have someone saying OH YOU SHOULDNT EAT THAT MUCH SALT, YOU SHOULDNT HAVE THAT MUCH SUGAR. Heres how i see it...its my body..my body is a temple so if i wanna fill my temple with soda, salt, and sugar then so be it...i dont tell people what they should and shouldnt eat so dont do it to me!

Thats all i have right now...im sure ill add more as they come to me..im just annoyed with living at my parents house so i guess this is me just venting....