Im like an open book...you should just put down the fucking pages

Im so annoyed...im an open book, i dont hide myself for anyone...and im not about to change for anyone..but dont question me about what im open about when you like to hide behind a mask, and lie to your so called loved ones. If im happy and missing my husband im gonna scream it from the roof top...but also if im pissed at him im also gonna scream it from the rooftop. I just think people cause drama becuase they are simply bored with there own lives. I have NEVER cheated on mike, i have no intentions of cheating on Mike. So dont fucking try to judge me for voiceing my anger at him or anyone else. I dont go around fucking people behind my spouses back...i dont lie or spend all my time away from my family in video games...so dont even try to put me down for simply voiceing my opinions about what pisses me off and what doesnt. Im happy your happy now...but dont try to rain on my life cause your life is too plain jane for you.


ok now that my rant is out of the way...ill explain for those who dont know wtf is going on...

Me and mike have a friend we'll call him Dexter...well Dexter has been in our life for a good 5 yrs since we got married. Well dexter was married...but he decided he was unhappy so he buried himself in video games, and drinking, and ignoreing his family. But that was his business and no one elses...So we as good friends stood by as friends. Well then we found out that Dexter was starting to see someone behind his wifes back..again his business not ours..so i never told his wife...for 1 we werent that close to begin with 2 again it was none of my business...Well after he told his wife they were divorceing she left him and he brought in his new Mrs. Dexter...i met the girl..sweet girl...he seemed happy and i was happy for him and her...So i thought everything was going great...they got married...now living together and everything is great...but now all of a sudden he starts on me constintly for my spelling, and then he starts to see on my FB my status...1 minute im super happy with mike..and like i said i scream it from the roof top...but then when i get upset i post how im feeling...ingeneral how im feeling and this SOB decides thats he wants to get on me saying how he would NEVER talk shit about his wife like i do about mike...BUT the thing is..i never actually said i was pissed at mike...i said i was upset cause i was sick and not feeling good and really just wanted a break and that i hated men...But he decieded he was gonna try to tell me how shitty i am for voicing my god damn opinions on my fucking FB...i dont judge people...If all ive done is voiced how upset i am to my friends on FB and this SOB is fucking around on his first wife..to me he has NO room to talk shit. NONE! So i have offically deleted him from my page and his wife...cause he's starting drama just to start drama...idk if its just that his perfect snowglobe life is just too pleasentville for him? or what but im so done dealing with people and there fucking judgements...so if i post something about how im feeling at that moment and you try to judge me...i will snip you quicker then vassectamy...im DONE!

When is enough gonna be good Enough?

Im getting so fucking sick and tired of living in my parents house. My mom is pushing me so far away its not even funny. Today i go to find sometime to eat for lunch and low and behold theres nothing to eat..LIKE ALWAYS...so i just said well theres nothing to eat. And she goes well i have 20 bucks so ill go get bread and some lunch meat...i told her no since i know she really doesnt have the funds to do that. But then she wants to start to fucking bitch about how she wants to have sit down AGAIN with mike, me, dad, and her about shit. And i asked her what is the damn problem now? She tells me that basically she is sick of doing the cat box...I HELP WITH EVERYTHING around this house...she doesnt work so she does house work as well...and the 1 fucking choir she HAS to do is the cat box...it pisses me off....she's saying how mike needs to help out more..NO HE DOESNT...i stay home i dont do anything except take care of my son and do house hold choirs...thats what she should see it as...my dad works so she has the choir of doing the house hold choirs. I just dont understand, when will enough be good enough for her? I NEED TO MOVE OUT AND QUICK BEFORE OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP FALLS APART!

past coming back to Haunt me...

Oh man im writing this in hopes that i can go to bed without worrying about having nightmares retaining to tonights situation. So any whos...Tonight was a total disaster. Im one of those people that if i get annoyed it takes ALOT to get me in a better mood. Well Let me start from the begining...and i mean WAY IN THE BEGINING. I was dating this guy Mike S. in High school. He was def my first love, the one who took my virginity all that fun mumbo jumbo. I mean it took me about a good 2 1/2 years to get over this guy..we dated for a little over a year. Well in this year that we dated i interduced him to lots of my friends like a normal couple does. Well one girl in proticular i interduced to him, she was a good friend...i considered her close enough to interduce to by BF outside of school you know. Well after me and Mike S. broke up, he wanted to get back at me for dating someone else...so who does he start to date..none other then the friend who i interduced him to. We will call her Nancy. Anywhos, so she got him into drugs real bad..and on top of that it hurt me worse since i was still friends with her...and she didnt have the balls to tell me she was fucking my ex...i mean come on...girl code anyone. So needless to say when i did find out...i was of course heartbroken by this...back stabbed by a friend and my first love. So our friendship ended...well now that its been about 8yrs since all that drama...ive tryed making emends with her...i have her on my FB, i talk to her...well she's good friends with my bestie...so since i go by a higher code of ill do anything for my family and friends, ill hold my tonge if i have to you know? Well tonight was my besties birthday bash. So Mike my husband of 5 yrs goes with us...and so does my bestie, her hubs and NANCY. So no biggy...the night starts out fun, chatting, they are drinking im taking pictures. Just a fun time. Well i start to notice that Every time NANCY wanted a drink she would ask my husband to go up with her...at first it wasnt a big deal...but as she got drunker and he got drunker i started noticeing it was bugging me you know?? So then mikes totally trashed and i had barley seen him all night cause every time he would sit down to have a drink he would go right back up to the bar with her to get another drink...so i was getting pissed and i told him to stay sitting cause i was getting cold and i wanted to cuddle...Well NANCY offered me her jacket...and so did my bestie...i kept telling them i was fun just long as mike stayed sitting next to me to block the wind. Well so mike thought it would be funny to put on my besties jacket..mind you its a plaid ladies jacket...so i kept saying babe take it off you look gay, it looks silly...well in comes NANCY telling me to chill out and it was funny she decided she's gonna button MY husband up in this girly shirt...so in the back of my mind im replying all the times i hung out with her and my EX, and how i interduced them like i was doing tonight..and so i was getting pissed and kept saying TAKE OFF THE DAMN SHIRT....AND STOP. Well mike relized i was getting LIVID...and so he took it off and wanted to know what was wrong...once NANCY went to the bathroom again i told him about my past and what she had done before..and mike kept saying he was sorry and he only loves me and how beautiful i am...So i tryed to finish enjoying myself...well the rest of the night NANCY kept spilling drinks on me...being drunk idk if it was on purpose or was a drunkin oops but i got this impression it was on purpose..she spilled her drink on me 5 times. I was so pissed and then she kept wanting me to dance with her and i kept saying NO im not dancing im feel closerphobic and i was already pissed and once im pissed i dont wanna talk to the person im pissed at. Well Then me and the bestie went to the bathroom and when i got back mike told me she kept hitting on him when i was gone and that he sent her in the bar to get her away from him. So of course im even more mad now...And my bestie kept trying to tell me thats just how she is and she wont try anything but i mean come on...i already know she would...she's already done it once, grant it that was 8 yrs ago but still...once a hoe always a hoe. She kept trying to get him to dance with her..THANK god he was trashed and could barley stand up so he didnt of course...but then when we went to leave she kept trying to hold his hand on the way out and he kept pushing her away saying no im fine to walk. I dont know if its my anxiety and Paranoia making me think this way, or if thats how it really was. And then in the car...we are all driving home in the van and she's sitting in the front of the van, with me and mikes in the back of the van ALONE and she goes and climbs back there to smoke..well then never comes back to were she was sitting...i felt like she was trying to just get closer to my husband...i kept thinking she's probley trying to touch his dick right now while he's drunk..so i kept checking back there..thank god she didnt atleast not that i could see..but I just know tonight ill be having nightmares about them doing stuff, and just random nightmares like that. Im just so annoyed and pissed and hurt that she would do that AGAIN...you would think she would change a little after having a kid and all..but i guess some girls just dont change at all. I really hope my past isnt coming back to haunt me!

PET PEEVES

Since being back ive totally started noticing some of my pet peeves, I dont even know if these are actually pet peeves or just shit that gets on my nerves...so here they are...

1. Bad mouthing my man....So im married Mike which gives me every right to bad mouth him if i feel like it..but i do not like ppl who bad mouth him...it pisses me off...friend or family. DONT BAD MOUTH MY HUSBAND...If i come to you and say..OMG mikes and asshole he did this and that...dont start being like yea he is a douch bag, he's an ass hole...i just want someone to listen and someone to agree with me..but not by calling him names. IM THE ONLY BITCH THAT CAN DO THAT!

2. Shower time is MY TIME...OMG..nothing pisses me off more..then when i go into the shower..i announce to everyone im getting in the shower and then start getting undressed...giving ppl enough time to say OH I HAVE TO PEE...Cause when i go into the shower...i like the heat to build up so its nice and toasty in the shower and the bathroom...it pisses me off sooo bad when i go into the shower im all nice and toasty and comfy and then someone comes in and is like OH I HAVE TO PEE...BITCH YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE BEFORE I GOT IN THE SHOWER....You had all day to get in before i took 15 mins out of the day to shower...if you cant go pee before that 15 mins time that i take for myself...you should be smacked!

3. DONT TOUCH MY LIGHTING....OMG in our living room we have a dim system lighting...and it pisses me off more then anything..when im sitting in the living room by myself..and my mom comes upstairs to take her meds and get ready for bed...she dims the damn light in the room im sitting in! OMG I WANNA SCREAM...your not sitting in here...your just in here to take your meds...LEAVE THE DAMN LIGHTS ALONE...i like it being EXTREMELY bright at night in the room im sitting in...Talk about annoying!

4. ITS MY DIET...I DONT TELL YOU WHAT TO EAT..DONT TELL ME...I get so pissed when im making my food..no matter what it is..i have someone saying OH YOU SHOULDNT EAT THAT MUCH SALT, YOU SHOULDNT HAVE THAT MUCH SUGAR. Heres how i see it...its my body..my body is a temple so if i wanna fill my temple with soda, salt, and sugar then so be it...i dont tell people what they should and shouldnt eat so dont do it to me!

Thats all i have right now...im sure ill add more as they come to me..im just annoyed with living at my parents house so i guess this is me just venting....

Does Ben have Cooties or something?

So im so pissed off right now at my MIL (mother in law). Ever since Ben was born she's been a total horder on spending time with him. At first it was a pain cause he was only a day old when it started....but then over the next 3 1/2 hrs i warmed up to her taking him..and then last summer when i was home for about 7 months we had an arrangement that she took ben every tue and thur from about 6-9pm and she got him every other weekend all weekend. She never once cancelled on us, and ben loved it. I loved it too it gave me some free time to myself. While she would watch him she took him to cheerleading events like compations and practices and he loved it. She took him swimming at her sisters. So to my suprise she's been acting very distant since we have come back. The first weekend we were home she took benjamin the whole weekend which was again great. The following weekend she took him for only 1 day over night...well since then she keeps telling us she too busy to take him and she already has plans. She saw him about 2 wks ago when she called and asked if she could take him on a wednesday from about 2-8 which was fine for me...but since then she hasnt asked to take him or anything. So we asked her for the 3rd weekend now to take him (she hasnt taken him in 3 wks) and she said she would take him on saturday but ONLY for the day not over night...I mean what is going on...does ben all of a sudden have cooties or something? This of course being a protective momma bear pisses me off cause im the one who hears him asking if he can go over mom-mom J's and then she basically has no time for him. She even told us when we asked her for this weekend she said she would have to check her schedule...BEN NEEDS AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE HIS GRANDMOTHER? WTF! I mean come on...i just dont see how over the past 3yrs she's been a total horder on him and now she doesnt seem to want anything to do with him...frankly if she keeps this up, i wont let he have ANY time with Haylee cause i refuse to have to try to horde her way in on Haylee but treat ben like he's not important. I just dont know what to do..i dont wanna talk to her about it cause i just dont want the drama....but maybe thats what it needs to come to?

So this is what it feels like?

I feel a sence of accomplishment. Im 23 years old, and from birth to the age of 18 i was always under my parents control...they made sure i had heath insurence, they choose who my dr is, and where i go for any type of apt. Then when i married Mike, the military told me what to do, where to go, and what insurence to have. I just recieved my atherazion for my health insurence  that i got on my own. Without my husbands help, or my parents doing it for me. I filled out the paper work and sent it in and now im insured for my health...i guess this is what it feels like to be a grown up lol

Everyday its something new....

So its been a few weeks since i posted a blog...my anxiety level being in my parents house is through the roof...it seems like everyday theres something new for my mom to bitch about, and frankly i dont know how much more i can take. Im trying to keep the peace but between, my mom, dad, and husband its a bit hard. Mike has his own way of doing shit, my mom has her own way of doing shit, and my dad has his own way of doing it. And then theres me, the peace maker...and in the end im the one getting the most heat. Sometimes i wish i could just walk out the door go somewhere and just hide for a week. If its not something mike has done to piss my mom off, its something bens done...if its not something either of them have done its something ive done...but in the end i have to hear about it and get upset cause its my mom bitching about my husband or son, or me. I wish i had the money to just move into my own place and excape the drama. Every morning when i open my eyes i wonder what my mom will find to bitch about today and how will it effect me by having to listen to it.

Its so fustrating that my parents are making us pay 100 bucks a week to stay here...they want us out in a year...and on top of that we have other bills to pay, plus trying to save money. I dont know how we will do it. Its been almost a month and right now we have 70 bucks in the bank..and after thursday it will be less then that. And it seems like even though we are paying 100 bucks a week we are also having to pay for shit that shouldnt really be added in...like cat food...had to go buy cat food. Mike gives me 50 bucks a week to last for the week thats supost to be for me, and me alone...but i always have to spend my money on shit for the house, like bread, catfood, and more then likely this week will also be detergent. Even though my parents are getting 100 bucks a week its more like 100+ a week. Everytime i turn around my mom is asking for me to pick up more shit...and i really dont have the money cause im down to my last 20 and its only monday...and most of my money has gone to feeding me and benjamin, or for shit for the house. If its like this id rather live in my own place where atleast i can determain the temp. in the house, i can choose to clean up on my terms, and i can enjoy watching my shows without anyones bitching or moaning....sometimes i want to escape.

This past weekend was the worst weekend so far here...my mom basically shot our relationship to hell. She came home drunk off her ass...which normally i dont mind..but this time was differant. She came home drunk...kept being loud and obnosious. She turned the light out on ben 3 times and made him scream and cry bloody murder (hes scared of the dark) So that pissed me off...then she got pissed cause i had rented 3 movies last weekend as in a week ago...and me and mike watched them when ben was with his other grandmother. We told my parents about them...they had ALL week to watch them...and my mom decided she wanted to watch them when i had told her earlier in the day that i had to take them back that night, that they were already late. So she started screaming that we should have told them we had movies...which we did...and when i was calming down ben in his room after he was so scared cause of my mother. She was telling my dad how she didnt understand how we had time to watch 3 movies when we have a 3yr old...and then she added in that "then again i always payed attention to my kids" So i basically over heard her telling my dad she thinks we are shitty parents...so i came out and confronted her and she acted like she did nothing wrong and that she was telling the truth. I got so upset i started to cry so i grabbed ben and took him out for a car ride cause i didnt want him around her being that drunk...and when we returned she was passed out in the living room. I had to lay down with ben in his bed til he actually fell asleep cause he was so scared she would turn out the light on him again. Since then...the tension in my house is so thick you would need a chainsaw to cut it. She hasnt appologied for what she did..or said...and i havent talked to her about it. All i know is im deeply hurt, and sadened by what she did and said...she said before we moved here she didnt want us to wind up hating each other...but she's pushing me away. At this point i dont know if our relationship can be repaired at this moment...i dont think she cares to repair it. Mike was pissed once i told him what had unfolded while he was asleep...so he took me and ben out the next day. I dont plan on asking my mom to watch ben for me anymore for any reason, now that i know how shitty of a parent she thinks i am...i just feel like i lost a best friend. It hurts to hear someone your so close to think so badly of you. I dont know what i did to upset her so. I mean since we have been back ive done everything she's asked...i do my own laundry, i pick up after myself, husband, and child. I do whatever she ask when she ask, like vacumming, doing the dishwasher, washing the pans, ext. But it seems like nothing seems to be enough...it truely feels like she is purposely pushing me away, and so far its worked. How do you vent to someone you always vent to when the venting is about them?